The Bachelorette | Bahama Less Drama

[EPISODE SPOILERS] Okay ladies + gentlemen, the Bachelorette has finally left the country…on a journey to find love, not because I want her to leave! We’re only taking six guys to the Bahamas + swear that’s a low number for the first international trip. I mean I could be wrong, but I feel like more than half of Nick’s ladies got to go to Bimini. If I’m wrong, please politely tell me. But here are are are final six who are ready to hit the beach:

Alex
31
Atlanta, GA
Construction Manager

Becca loved the tie.

 

Blake
28
Bailey, CO
Sales Rep

Comes in riding an ox… Dark salmon jacket. Feelings as strong as an ox. (We met him at ATFR, he put her on the horse.)

Chase
27
Sanford, FL
Advertising VP

“Its all about the Chase.”

 

Chris
30
Orlando, FL
Sales Trainer

Plans to win over Uncle Gary so he brings a choir. “All God’s children got a rose.”

 

Christian
28
San Diego, CA
Banker

Suave, twirls Becca.

 

Christon
31
Los Angeles, CA
Former Harlem Globetrotter

Dying to know more about her…

 

Clay
30
Chicago, IL
Pro Football Player

Very family oriented. Caught a lot of passes but if he lands her, she’d be the biggest catch of her life. He’ll catch her inside. Fun fact, he (or someone catfishing as him) came up for me on Bumble + I accidentally swiped left! I didn’t know you could undo your left swipes + I’m devastated. He’s cute!

 

Colton
26
Denver, CO
Former Pro Footbal Player

Born on Super Bowl Sunday, used to play for the Chargers, has a cousin with CF + started a foundation for people with CF. Also has a cute dog. Confetti cannon so they can get started with a bang.

 

Connor
25
St. Petersburg, FL
Fitness Coach

Gets down on one knee, he’s ready to take this journey with her + do the damn thing. Ring box with a printout of a ring.

 

Darius
26
Sherman Oaks, CA
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep

Not nervous because he already met her on ATFR.

 

David
25
Denver, CO
Venture Capitalist

Chicken suit. Not here to ruffle feathers, wants to build an egg-celent relationship, will see her in the henhouse

 

Grant
27
Danville, CA
Electrician

Respects her for what she went through but wants to forget about all that so they can let loose + have a good time.

 

Garrett
29
Reno, NV
Medical Sales Rep

Imitates Wisconsin accent, fishes, “hope she’s as good of a catch as I am.” Minivan, hopes to be a great dad. Soccer ball, baby bag, car seat. “Oh my God, that was good.”

 

Jake
29
Minneapolis, MN
Marketing Consultant

Says he looks familiar… they’re both from Minneapolis. Acquaintance. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”–Becca

 

Jason
29
Buffalo, NY
Sr. Corporate Banker

Teaches her his handshake.

 

Jean Blanc
31
Pensecola, FL
Colognoisseur (Is this real life? According to his ABC bio he also works in finance.)

From Haiti. “She needs a man that smells good + I’m going to blow her nose away.” Teaches her “Let’s do the damn thing!” in French. “Wow he smelled so good.”

 

 

Joe
31
Chicago, IL
Grocery Store Owner

Doesn’t know women as well as tomatoes. Forgets everything he was gonna say… literally says nothing.

 

 

John
28
San Francisco, CA
Software Engineer

Hopes love can happen overnight because it happened for his grandparents. Almost gets lost going into the house.

 

Jordan
26
Crystal River, FL
Male Model

Gym, tan + laundry salt spray year round. “Fun shoes.” Very annoying about everyone’s fashion choices, which is saying something because I’m a fashion blogger.

 

 

Kamil
30
Monroe, NY
Social Media Participant (UH WHAT?! You have a successful career in real estate per your ABC bio. Why did production list you that way?!)

Meet him halfway, then asks her to do 60/40. Nuh uh buddy.

 

Leo
31
Studio City, CA
Stuntman

Messy man bun that resembles my hair on a Monday, wants to let his hair down.

 

Lincoln
26
Los Angeles, CA
Account Sales Executive

From Nigeria, such a cute accent, rooftop workout. Eat cake because it was his birthday when they met on ATFR.

 

Mike
27
Cincinnati, OH
Sports Analyst

Cardboard cutout because Arie should she her as happy as she is tonight.

 

Nick
27
Orlando, FL
Attorney

Not a racecar driver, usually good at opening statements but not tonight.

 

Rickey
27
San Diego, CA
IT Consultant

“All the adjectives.”

 

Ryan
26
Manhattan Beach, CA
Banjoist

“Where’s the banjo?” Purple + gold printed velvet jacket.

 

Trent
28
Naples, FL
Realtor

Shows up in a hearse. “When I heard you were the Bachelorette, I LITERALLY died. But then you brought me back to life.”

 

Wills
29
Los Angeles, CA
Graphic Designer

Closet nerd.

 

We’re staying at the Baha Mar this week + holy crap it’s stunning. I can’t wait to say who goes on which date. Wills is wearing double cheetah print like it’s 2009 on Jersey Shore. Neither Becca nor her men have been to the Bahamas yet so this is actually pretty exciting. Becca’s looking for no drama + to be honest, I am, too. The show can be dramatic without drama. All that Chris stuff was honestly ridiculous. It was like there was a child on the show + neither Becca nor I have time for that. Chris Harrison asks if she’s falling in love + she blushes. She’s easily falling for a couple of guys, she has butterflies + she’s both nervous + excited. Because they were just in Vegas, Chris asks her how she’d “bet” this ends. She bets it’ll end with someone down on one knee + that she’ll be saying yes. She’s also so afraid that something’s going to ruin this for her.

Becca pops over while the guys are talking about how much of a big deal it’d be to bring Becca home. Gosh do I feel that. I haven’t dated a ton of guys + my parents have only met two, one long after we’d broken up + he came over with his girlfriend now fiancé. No one else was worth bringing home. Shoot. The other guy wasn’t worth bringing home but it was high school so I kinda had no choice. The guys are excited to see her + there are hugs all around. Blake, like everyone else, is hoping for a one-on-one where he thinks he might drop the “l” word. This week is going to be a little different than most, there will be no rose ceremony because everyone will be getting a date, three one-on-ones + one three-on-one. The dates are starting right now + Colton’s getting the first one-on-one. No one’s really happy about it + at this point, I can’t blame them. Apparently no one expected this, including Colton. The guys wonder if Colton will be sharing that he’s a virgin on their date. I mean I feel like it should probably come up before fantasy suites if he makes it that far…

After the commercial we’re talking about Colton’s virginity again. Come on editors! Becca + Colton board a catamaran for a fun day at sea. They Titanic + makeout while Colton confirms in a voiceover that he’s a virgin + that it’s been his choice. I mean duh. He’s definitely a good looking man even though he doesn’t do anything for me. He tells her he really appreciates that he’s on the first one-on-one this week because he really likes spending time with her. As he starts to tell her he doesn’t have a lot of experience in the dating department, a yellow, almost graffitied looking book pulls up, beeps + grabs Becca’s attention. The Bahamian man driving the boat hops out, swims over + boards their boat to tell them there’s conch down below their boat that they need to try. I remember conch fritters being a thing I was supposed to try when I was in the Bahamas but the one day I was there was seriously so stressful so it didn’t happen but that’s a story for another time. Our Bahamian friend also tells them that they eat the pistil because it’s the Viagra of the Bahamas so Colton can please her not tease her. God this is so uncomfortable, but this is from the girl who used to blush terribly in her college human sexuality class freshman year. Becca’s hoping “Colton dives deep for that,” “My conch is out + ready for action” + “I’m super impressed with Colton. He really knows how to work that conch.” Thanks production for these terrible puns. Our Bahamian friend is going to make them a salad but first pulls out the pistil. It is this long, slimy, translucent worm lookin’ thing + I am out! No thank you! But Becca says she’ll eat one if Colton does. They do + barely choke through it. Colton spits something out. Who knows if that’s real? Becca says they definitely don’t need any aphrodisiacs + there’s a ton more making out. Ladies, if you’re into him, please explain to me why. I simply don’t get him.

At dinner Becca is completely smitten with this dude. She says he’d need to drop a crazy bomb for him to not get the rose. There are way too many inappropriate conch jokes that I can’t even get into. Something about pulling it out + it just keeps coming. We finally stop + Colton says there is a conversation he needs to have with her. She’s nervous + he’s being so cryptic so I don’t necessarily blame her. My mind would be all over the place. He tells her that he spent a lot of time working on “Football Colton” + forgot about “Personal Colton.” Funny because every football player I know has used their football self to enhance their personal self. I briefly dated one + it was awful. When he tells her, Becca says “Really?” with a look that’s almost like “that’s it?!” She thanks him for telling her + would never want him to feel uncomfortable or pressured but she asks for a moment. Poor timing! She wanders off on a balcony while she “thinks” + Colton gets in his head. After the commercial, Becca’s still “pondering,” Colton is still panicking + Blake + Garrett are still talking about Colton’s virginity. Eventually Becca comes back + Colton tells her how scared he is. He tells her how uncomfortable it was to grow up with the locker room lifestyle that he made up stories. He tells her that he’s not waiting for marriage, just the right heart + he wants his first time to be special. Becca says she respects him for this + I’m glad she does. I was in that position once, waiting for the right heart + I wasted it on someone I thought had the right heart. His heart’s an empty hole like in “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.” Dang it, Chell! This is not your time, it’s Becca’s! Be quiet + get back to the show! She doesn’t judge him or think any less of him for this. She appreciates someone who takes this so seriously + wants to meet the people who made Colton Underwood so she offers him the rose. Wait, can we laugh for a second because she knows his last name? It’s happened before that when the lead + their fiancé leave a few days after filming wraps, they’re awkwardly asking the other’s last name because they’re exchanging numbers for the first time. Kaitlyn Bristowe talked about that on an early episode of her podcast.

A date card arrives for Garrett that reads “Love is in the air.” It seems like it’s affecting Blake the most. I mean he did have the first one-on-one so now he’s questioning their relationship because he hasn’t been picked yet. I would, too, Blakey. I would, too. Colton strolls in with his rose + no one really wants to ask about his date because they’re all feeling some kind of way.

Garrett meets Becca on the beach + tells him they’re “going to do the whole Bahama thing” from a sea plane. Now that’s goals. But Chellie, you hate flying. Yes. Yes I do. But that would still be freaking cool for a date if I could stand + trust a guy that much. As Becca + Garrett buzz about the Bahamas, Jason + Blake see the plane from their balcony + boy does it bum them out. Back in the plane, they’re poppin’ bottles, checking out the islands. They hop off the plane for a romantic + playful picnic on a private beach. Garrett tells her that this is hard + how awkward it was when Colton came home last night. Suddenly they’re doing that thing where they’re laying in the shallow water making out. If you know me, you’d know I would not like that. I can’t focus on other things if I’m wet. I refuse to ride water rides because I can’t stand it.

In the suite, Blake’s still freaking out about this date. He’s definitely losing it a bit but I mean I can’t see myself doing anything different. But the final one-on-one date card arrives for Blake + he can calm down because his card says “You make my heart skip a beat.” The rest of the guys are truly bummed. Blake is so excited to see “his girlfriend.” Back on Garrett’s date, they’re talking about Garrett’s family that she’d meet if she went home with him + what shaped his last relationship. His ex was so hotheaded + he was changing who he was for her because he couldn’t change her. This scares Becca because she’s concerned that if he has doubts, he’ll just push through them because he likes the idea of this. He assures her she’d know from him if there were issues. Garrett says he sees a future because she has everything he’s looking for + he’s beginning to fall in love with her. She cheeses so hard through her offering him his rose. They ditch their clothes + run back to the water for more making out.

After the news break *insert eye rolling emoji here,* we’re back for Blakey’s date! He’s packed + ready to go while the guys talk about how stressed Blake’s been since he’s been waiting the longest. Blake meets Becca + they head off to a beach party where the Baha Men are performing. I mean have they had a song since “Who Let the Dogs Out?” They’re dancing + having so much fun enjoying each other’s company. They sit on the beach + tell each other how lucky they feel with each other (gross). Blake shares how in his head he’s been all week + how he was starting to question her feelings for him. She definitely read it on his face when she pulled Colton for the first date. She tells him how she sympathizes for Arie because she does feel strongly for others. It’s unsettling for him but she says she needs him to be patient. What she doesn’t tell him but tells us is that she has the strongest feelings for him but she still has questions.

The date card arrives at the suite for Wills, Jason + Leo which reads “These dates are never easy.” Everyone is hoping a producer grabs his bag. Everyone but mom + me. Garrett’s mom’s first pick but I think she likes Blake just as much. I like Blake better for me but if Becca doesn’t pick him, he could so be the Bachelor. At dinner they talk about his killer dance moves + she launches into questions. She wants to know how hometowns will go + who she’d be meeting. We find out that his parents got divorced because his mom had a relationship with his English teacher + basketball coach. He heard so much about their relationship from the small community he grew up in so it’s really important to him to have an open + honest future family + Becca agrees. She finds his openness with her so attractive. He says it’s been so much fun falling in love with her but he thinks staying in love would be even more fun + he says he’s in love with her. She says he’s going to make her heart burst. Again, gross. Maybe I’d feel differently if I were in her shoes, but I’ve only dated disappointments + I’m over it. Becca says she’d love nothing more than to meet his family + offers him a rose. Becca wants to tell him she loves him, too. They kiss alongside a pretty pink building + for someone who hates PDA, I feel like I could be into it in Nassau even though it looks so much prettier on TV than it did when i was actually there.

It’s group date day. Leo’s rocking a manbun + Wills has his cheetah shorts on. Neither of those make it to the actual date, though. I love all three of them but I’m so into Leo I want him to stick around. They boat over to another island for their fun date with Becca. We’re playing sand volleyball + Leo’s bun is back! She gushes in voiceover about how much she likes the last three. She talks to Wills first. He says it’s been the toughest week for him because he told her he was falling in love + then he didn’t get a one-on-one. Becca really understands. Wills wants to bring her home as next year his parents will be celebrating their 50th anniversary + they are the example for everything they want. They find more similarities between their families + Becca really likes that. Next we’re talking to Jason. He says this week wasn’t easy but it’s not supposed to be so to get him through he’s been focused on them as a couple + what they have. Way to go, Jason! Now it’s Leo’s turn. He wants to stay but he assures us that he will be honest. He says he’s not doing great, which is the general consensus. He says he’s different than the other guys + that he hasn’t brought many girls home. He tells her he needs more time to be ready to be down on one knee + hopes that hometowns get them there. She says that scares her because she wants to be sure. So she says that maybe it’s for the best that she doesn’t go to his hometown + he seems to agree. We don’t see a goodbye, but he’s heading home. So the three of them leave Leo on the island as they head off to get ready for dinner.

At dinner, she tells Jason + Wills that she’s really glad they’re the ones left. She asks Jason if he has reservations about taking her home. He said he prayed about it before their last date + now he’s so sure he could explain this to his parents. She says that him sharing feelings is slower than the other guys. He tells her he does not take this lightly + is very serious about telling her things when he’s ready. She says she feels it with him but it’s more of a risk with him. He reminds her that he’s been hurt + had walls but he’s willing to get hurt again because he feels so strongly about them. Wills tells her that he has some things to tell her. He said it was hard to tell her that it was really hard to share his feelings with her because he’s been hurt before. We get it. We’ve all been hurt. I don’t know a single person who, at one point in their life, wasn’t afraid to love again. I’m not saying they should be inauthentic + not share, but maybe the editors could maybe not put these similar statements so close together? It feels like “Groundhog Day.” But Wills says he can be open with her because of how calm + peaceful + happy she makes him + she makes him believe in love again. Can I have a Wills please? I think Wills will be getting the rose tonight unless they’re doing an editing fakeout. Becca sees a future with both but doesn’t know who to choose with her final rose, the one she has feelings for + is all in or the one she has feelings for but doesn’t know if he’s there yet. She tells the guys that she is giving the rose to someone who’s on the same page with her + offers it to Jason even though they’re totally not on the same page… I’m a little confused but okay, Becca. Becca tells him that she wasn’t all the way in with him + she couldn’t bring his family into this. She reminds him how amazing he is + how worthy he is of love before sending him home. Wills is so hurt + it’s so sad, but…hold that thought. He just got out of the car. Are we throwing up? Are we going back? Nah we’re just walking around.

That’s a wrap until hometowns + I’m taking my tired self to bed. Look out for a Wednesday Wisdom + some of my favorite dresses for summer, including the dress I’m wearing to a wedding this weekend Wednesday + Sunday this week. But if you’re just here for The Bachelorette, I hear you + I’ll see you next week!

xo.