The Bachelorette | Bobsledding, Lumberjacking + Lying

[EPISODE SPOILERS] It’s week four friends! Is your pick still around? Mom’s + my picks are! For once I’m ready to go go at the start of the episode. But I’m not drinking wine this week. I know! A travesty! I’m drinking Spotted Cow + I’m not sorry. For those of you who may not remember, we said goodbye to Clay last week so he could go home, have surgery + still provide for his family by playing football. I’ll embarrassingly admit that I did slide into his DMs on Instagram only to have it not be read. Sad days. I get it. You’re a football player. I’m a blogger who works in corporate America. Hahaha Let’s go!

Alex
31
Atlanta, GA
Construction Manager

Becca loved the tie.

 

Blake
28
Bailey, CO
Sales Rep

Comes in riding an ox… Dark salmon jacket. Feelings as strong as an ox. (We met him at ATFR, he put her on the horse.)

Chase
27
Sanford, FL
Advertising VP

“Its all about the Chase.”

 

Chris
30
Orlando, FL
Sales Trainer

Plans to win over Uncle Gary so he brings a choir. “All God’s children got a rose.”

 

Christian
28
San Diego, CA
Banker

Suave, twirls Becca.

 

Christon
31
Los Angeles, CA
Former Harlem Globetrotter

Dying to know more about her…

 

Clay
30
Chicago, IL
Pro Football Player

Very family oriented. Caught a lot of passes but if he lands her, she’d be the biggest catch of her life. He’ll catch her inside. Fun fact, he (or someone catfishing as him) came up for me on Bumble + I accidentally swiped left! I didn’t know you could undo your left swipes + I’m devastated. He’s cute!

 

Colton
26
Denver, CO
Former Pro Footbal Player

Born on Super Bowl Sunday, used to play for the Chargers, has a cousin with CF + started a foundation for people with CF. Also has a cute dog. Confetti cannon so they can get started with a bang.

 

Connor
25
St. Petersburg, FL
Fitness Coach

Gets down on one knee, he’s ready to take this journey with her + do the damn thing. Ring box with a printout of a ring.

 

Darius
26
Sherman Oaks, CA
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep

Not nervous because he already met her on ATFR.

 

David
25
Denver, CO
Venture Capitalist

Chicken suit. Not here to ruffle feathers, wants to build an egg-celent relationship, will see her in the henhouse

 

Grant
27
Danville, CA
Electrician

Respects her for what she went through but wants to forget about all that so they can let loose + have a good time.

 

Garrett
29
Reno, NV
Medical Sales Rep

Imitates Wisconsin accent, fishes, “hope she’s as good of a catch as I am.” Minivan, hopes to be a great dad. Soccer ball, baby bag, car seat. “Oh my God, that was good.”

 

Jake
29
Minneapolis, MN
Marketing Consultant

Says he looks familiar… they’re both from Minneapolis. Acquaintance. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”–Becca

 

Jason
29
Buffalo, NY
Sr. Corporate Banker

Teaches her his handshake.

 

Jean Blanc
31
Pensecola, FL
Colognoisseur (Is this real life? According to his ABC bio he also works in finance.)

From Haiti. “She needs a man that smells good + I’m going to blow her nose away.” Teaches her “Let’s do the damn thing!” in French. “Wow he smelled so good.”

 

 

Joe
31
Chicago, IL
Grocery Store Owner

Doesn’t know women as well as tomatoes. Forgets everything he was gonna say… literally says nothing.

 

 

John
28
San Francisco, CA
Software Engineer

Hopes love can happen overnight because it happened for his grandparents. Almost gets lost going into the house.

 

Jordan
26
Crystal River, FL
Male Model

Gym, tan + laundry salt spray year round. “Fun shoes.” Very annoying about everyone’s fashion choices, which is saying something because I’m a fashion blogger.

 

 

Kamil
30
Monroe, NY
Social Media Participant (UH WHAT?! You have a successful career in real estate per your ABC bio. Why did production list you that way?!)

Meet him halfway, then asks her to do 60/40. Nuh uh buddy.

 

Leo
31
Studio City, CA
Stuntman

Messy man bun that resembles my hair on a Monday, wants to let his hair down.

 

Lincoln
26
Los Angeles, CA
Account Sales Executive

From Nigeria, such a cute accent, rooftop workout. Eat cake because it was his birthday when they met on ATFR.

 

Mike
27
Cincinnati, OH
Sports Analyst

Cardboard cutout because Arie should she her as happy as she is tonight.

 

Nick
27
Orlando, FL
Attorney

Not a racecar driver, usually good at opening statements but not tonight.

 

Rickey
27
San Diego, CA
IT Consultant

“All the adjectives.”

 

Ryan
26
Manhattan Beach, CA
Banjoist

“Where’s the banjo?” Purple + gold printed velvet jacket.

 

Trent
28
Naples, FL
Realtor

Shows up in a hearse. “When I heard you were the Bachelorette, I LITERALLY died. But then you brought me back to life.”

 

Wills
29
Los Angeles, CA
Graphic Designer

Closet nerd.

 

We resume last week’s cocktail party + I’m ready to know who’s going home. Everyone’s giving their production-guided “what’s going on speech.” You know the “this rose ceremony is important,” “this will really tell me if Becca sees something with us,” “this is really intense for everyone without rises.” During Blake’s time with Becca, he takes her to one of the bedrooms + asks her how many kids she wants. She wants three + he wants three to five. She’s shocked + I don’t blame her. Five kids are expensive. I’m fine if I don’t wind up having any, though I’ll likely never hear the end of that one from my mom… She want’s to name her daughter Stevie + he wants to name his daughter Charlie. They both like boys names for girls. I have to agree, Charlie is so cute for a girl. Back in the rose ceremony room, the guys are talking about how scary David’s fall was. Jordan keeps running his mouth. More “I talk to God everyday” nonsense. Dude, God is not hurting people on your behalf. Chill out. Take your cocky ass + your 4,000 tinder matches + go back to that lame town in Florida. You’re attitude makes you so unattractive. I would so swipe left on you. Bye. Becca gives Jordan a pair of gold booty shorts. Anyone else getting Rocky Horror vibes from these?

Becca ditches Jordan for time with David who’s just returned from the hospital. If you didn’t watch last week then you don’t know that they censored his face in the previews while Jordan’s voiceover made it seem like his face was really altered. Well I’m here to tell you it is not! Our chicken friend has a bit of a black eye + his nose looks a little different but he is still just as cute as ever! He’s getting choked up about how much he missed her + it’s so sweet. She excuses herself for a moment + the poor guy is checking out his face while Jordan’s got another voiceover running his mouth about how he thinks David looks like a Picasso + that upset me. Like David’s hot, you’re annoying. Go away. Becca comes back with a rose for him. I’m so happy that she honored his need to rest. He returns to the room with everyone else + is met by cheers + applause from everyone except, you guessed it, Jerky Jordy. That’s what I’m calling him from now on.

It’s finally time to make it rain roses on these dudes! My girl bestows roses on Jason, Wills, Nick (who is in a tracksuit–WHY?!), Christon, Lincoln (why?!), Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jerky Jordy + Jean Blanc. This means we’re saying goodbye to Mike + Ryan. She announces that the trips are starting + they’re headed to Park City, Utah. What is it with these cold date destinations? I do not shine in the cold. Winter sports? NOT my thing. Don’t get me wrong, when the winter games are on I’m glued to the TV. But can I ski? No. Can I skate? No. Can I snowboard? No. If I ever ended up at a ski resort, you’d find me in the lodge by a fireplace drinking a warm beverage + melting into a book. Yes I LOVE mountains but I don’t want to date in snow. Becca, our Minnesota girl, however, is made for this. She comes to meet the guys + see how they’re doing before she scoops Garrett (minivan dude) for a touristy date around Park City. I’m very glad she’s on this date. Not me. Cold shopping? I’ll pass. They wander all these souvenir stores, grab coffee + take MySpace-esque selfies. Our girl is smitten.

Back at the guys cabin, Lincoln is legitimately telling the guys that the world is flat + when you travel around the world, it’s by friction. Yeah, uhm okay. Friction got me to Abu Dhabi. Wow. Had no idea! *eye roll* He says that you can walk without slipping because of friction. Uh, that’s not how friction works. That’s how gravity works though. Someone let him know that Magic School Bus is on Netflix + Miss Frizzle tackles both of these topics thoroughly. Other than that I’ve got nothing to say about this one. I’m concerned for you, Lincoln.

Back on our one-on-one, Garrett + Becca board a ski lift at Olympic Park + when they reach the top, she tells him they’ll be taking a bobsled ride. Still not jealous…  They’re both so excited + it’s so freaking cute. Valerie + Shauna from the 2006 US Women’s bobsled team meet them to take them bobsledding. I mean you can’t just let two people sled unprepared. After their sledding experience, they pop a bottle of champagne to toast what has been Garrett’s best date ever. I mean of course it is. Who gets to travel somewhere for a first date unless you’re on a Bachelor Franchise date? At their after party, she tells him he reminds her of her dad + they just really enjoy spending time together. She asks about his most recent relationship. He was in love right after college + going on adventures together. They got married + divorced which it seems Becca was not expecting to hear. They dated for a year + a half before getting engaged + engaged for a year before getting married. Two months into their marriage, they got divorced. He thinks that he married the wrong person. Becca’s now unsure whether this will work + I don’t blame her.

A date card arrives at the cabin for Jerky Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton + Jean Blanc. That means Wills, who’s still wearing the sweatshirt with his name on it, is going on a one-on-one! It’s a little awkward because Jean Blanc was so sure he was going to get the one-on-one.

We cut back to Garrett’s date + he asks her what about him scares her. She wants to know what happened with Garrett + his ex wife. He says she was emotionally abusive. She pulled him away from his family + friends but he was so in love that he tried to fight for her. He was embarrassed because no one in his life had been divorced before. She tells him she’s nervous he won’t be ready. He says he’s had two years to heal + that he’s looking for a partner in life to “attack life + attack goals.” She’s still nervous, but he gives her so much hope that she’s willing to give him a rose. They head to a country bar where Granger Smith is waiting to preform for them so they could dance + look cute + be gross.

Now we’re on a 13-on-one date + I know this might sound ideal but this would really overwhelm me. Sidebar, why is Becca one of those cool girls that doesn’t look homeless rocking a beanie, because I sure look homeless if I have one on. So I usually just let my ears freeze. They show up to Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash + I’m wondering why we’re naming all of Becca’s dates. She says she used to watch lumberjack competitions at the state fair. Uh what? I went to Illinois’ state fair one time when I lived in Springfield. You know what we had? Fried food, stuff made out of butter + rides. I’d have so been at the front of the crowd for a lumberjack competition. School hadn’t started yet so none of my students would have known I was there. Who knew “lumberjacking” is a word, let alone a sport? All these city guys splitting wood + Jerky Jordy even did it in khakis. Wood splitting is clearly not Jean Blanc’s, Lincoln’s or Chris’ thing. We’re throwing axes, flipping logs (or trying to) to practice for the competition. You know who’s impressive today? John! The dude has some serious arms + is playing to win today.  Log rolling is the first event quickly followed by log flipping + axe throwing. These wannabe jacks are sawing logs + finally it’s Blake v John to clime the pole. John ends up winning the golden axe. Becca tells the guys they have to wear their plaid to the after party. Is it cute? We’ll see how they dress it up. I’m sure Jerky Jordy will.

At the after party, we’re at a distillery + Becca’s in the dress she was wearing in the previews where she’s yelling that she feels disrespected. While I don’t want her to feel this way, I have to know what this drama is about! I knew I should have made popcorn! But I’ve got some big trips coming up so I definitely am watching what I’m eating. Oh, no one actually wore their plaid. I’m straight up mad. Jason + Becca are talking first + they’re really cute. “He’s a very good kisser + it’s the right amount of everything.” Dang girl okay! Becca asks Colton if he’s ever been in love + he tells her that he was once, but it feels right + natural with her. Hmmmm I know things about Colton that tell me that he’s full of ish but I don’t want to spoil things for people who don’t like spoilers so you’ll just have to wait for this to unfold. Jerky Jordy showed up to the afterparty wearing his gold booty shorts under his khakis. So he strips down + she can’t take him seriously. He tries to kiss her + she can’t stop laughing. No one can take him seriously. Colton + Chris take Jerky Jordy aside to let him know that he is not respected + he needs to know he’s a clown.

It’s Jean Blanc’s turn + he’s brought her her own perfume named “Miss Becca Blanc.” He tells her there’s one thing he wants + that’s a kiss which he takes seemingly unexpected to Becca + I don’t like her body language in response to this kiss. The kiss is quick + she doesn’t know how she’s feeling about that. Leo steals Becca from him + they were so adult about it but we don’t see any of her conversation with Leo. Now it’s Lincoln’s turn but Jean Blanc steals her back. I’m getting a little uncomfortable. He’s so into this + tells her he’s falling in love + she doesn’t know what to say. She’s almost alarmed at the intensity. She doesn’t know that she’s on the same page + doesn’t think they’ll be on the same page. She doesn’t think it’s fair to keep him around + she asks to walk him out. He asks about the gift. She doesn’t even know what to think. She says she’s not where he’s at + he said he told her what he thought she wanted to hear. All she’s ask for since day one was honesty. NO WONDER SHE GETS MAD! She tells the guys she sent Jean Blanc home because he lied to her. If anyone else can’t be honest with her, she doesn’t want them around. Same girl. Same. She wants to be done with the night + I don’t blame her. There will be no rose on this date + she says she’ll see the guys at the next rose ceremony.

We’re on to the morning of date three where Becca’s sitting in her bed fighting emotional exhaustion. She’s never had a man who knew what he wanted + could express that. Again, same. Wills packs up as he’ll be going home unless he earns this date’s rose. Becca’s nervous + on edge + I feel for her. If I ever go on a date again, I know I’ll feel similarly. Wills comes bumbling up a hill sliding on snow which hopefully brightened Becca’s mood a little. Before they get started, she addresses the night before but wants to focus on them + their date. They board snowmobiles to head up a mountain. I’d like to think I’d be into this, but I’d probably fall off unceremoniously + my snowmobile would keep going without me. They sit by a fire + Wills reassures her that most of them are here for the right reasons, especially him. She feels very comfortable + grateful that he is there for her. They kiss + throw snowballs + kiss more. It’s gross + cute. They meet for dinner + Becca plans to make sure she asks the right questions so that she knows she can trust him. He’s attracted to her strength + resilience. He tells her about his biggest relationship + how he was ready to go all in but she asked for a hall pass. Okay, as mom + I just sidebar discussed, you only get hall passes for celebrities. She went to a place they spent many anniversaries with another guy. He says he feels ready but she asks what his fears are. He fears he may not be enough because he’s very hard on himself. She promises that she’ll always give them a reason as to why if it doesn’t work. She offers him a rose + some very passionate kisses.

Chris stops by to let the guys know there will be no cocktail party tonight because Becca’s ready to make her decision about who should + will continue with her. Connor + Nick have had no time with Becca this week while Lincoln was cut off so I can’t imagine what they’re feeling right now. Becca reexplains where her head + her heart were at the other night when she ended the group date early. But she is hopeful so she’s ready to hand out the roses + move forward riding that hope to our next destination. At our second rose ceremony of the night, we have roses for Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David + Jerky Jordy. Tonight we’re saying goodbye to Christon + Nick. They’re both standup guys + respectful as they left. Jerky Jordy is very annoyed that he’s last place + rants about being a sponge… I’ve got nothing. I’m done with him for the week. We’re off to Vegas next + I’m excited for this. I haven’t been to Vegas since I was 15 so this will be new for me. Until then, will you accept this blog?

xo.