The Bachelorette | The Tale of Tia + Colton

[SPOILERS] Okay my friends. We’ve arrived at week three for our beloved Becca’s quest to find love. I’m not going to spend a ton of time beating around the bush so I’ll cut right to who’s still here so we can get going on these dates, see Becca’s friends + get the skinny on Tia + Colton. I’ve got my wine, leftover Barefoot Rosé from National Rosé Day, nothing special + I’m ready to go!

Alex
31
Atlanta, GA
Construction Manager

Becca loved the tie.

 

Blake
28
Bailey, CO
Sales Rep

Comes in riding an ox… Dark salmon jacket. Feelings as strong as an ox. (We met him at ATFR, he put her on the horse.)

Chase
27
Sanford, FL
Advertising VP

“Its all about the Chase.”

 

Chris
30
Orlando, FL
Sales Trainer

Plans to win over Uncle Gary so he brings a choir. “All God’s children got a rose.”

 

Christian
28
San Diego, CA
Banker

Suave, twirls Becca.

 

Christon
31
Los Angeles, CA
Former Harlem Globetrotter

Dying to know more about her…

 

Clay
30
Chicago, IL
Pro Football Player

Very family oriented. Caught a lot of passes but if he lands her, she’d be the biggest catch of her life. He’ll catch her inside. Fun fact, he (or someone catfishing as him) came up for me on Bumble + I accidentally swiped left! I didn’t know you could undo your left swipes + I’m devastated. He’s cute!

 

Colton
26
Denver, CO
Former Pro Footbal Player

Born on Super Bowl Sunday, used to play for the Chargers, has a cousin with CF + started a foundation for people with CF. Also has a cute dog. Confetti cannon so they can get started with a bang.

 

Connor
25
St. Petersburg, FL
Fitness Coach

Gets down on one knee, he’s ready to take this journey with her + do the damn thing. Ring box with a printout of a ring.

 

Darius
26
Sherman Oaks, CA
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep

Not nervous because he already met her on ATFR.

 

David
25
Denver, CO
Venture Capitalist

Chicken suit. Not here to ruffle feathers, wants to build an egg-celent relationship, will see her in the henhouse

 

Grant
27
Danville, CA
Electrician

Respects her for what she went through but wants to forget about all that so they can let loose + have a good time.

 

Garrett
29
Reno, NV
Medical Sales Rep

Imitates Wisconsin accent, fishes, “hope she’s as good of a catch as I am.” Minivan, hopes to be a great dad. Soccer ball, baby bag, car seat. “Oh my God, that was good.”

 

Jake
29
Minneapolis, MN
Marketing Consultant

Says he looks familiar… they’re both from Minneapolis. Acquaintance. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”–Becca

 

Jason
29
Buffalo, NY
Sr. Corporate Banker

Teaches her his handshake.

 

Jean Blanc
31
Pensecola, FL
Colognoisseur (Is this real life? According to his ABC bio he also works in finance.)

From Haiti. “She needs a man that smells good + I’m going to blow her nose away.” Teaches her “Let’s do the damn thing!” in French. “Wow he smelled so good.”

 

 

Joe
31
Chicago, IL
Grocery Store Owner

Doesn’t know women as well as tomatoes. Forgets everything he was gonna say… literally says nothing.

 

 

John
28
San Francisco, CA
Software Engineer

Hopes love can happen overnight because it happened for his grandparents. Almost gets lost going into the house.

 

Jordan
26
Crystal River, FL
Male Model

Gym, tan + laundry salt spray year round. “Fun shoes.” Very annoying about everyone’s fashion choices, which is saying something because I’m a fashion blogger.

 

 

Kamil
30
Monroe, NY
Social Media Participant (UH WHAT?! You have a successful career in real estate per your ABC bio. Why did production list you that way?!)

Meet him halfway, then asks her to do 60/40. Nuh uh buddy.

 

Leo
31
Studio City, CA
Stuntman

Messy man bun that resembles my hair on a Monday, wants to let his hair down.

 

Lincoln
26
Los Angeles, CA
Account Sales Executive

From Nigeria, such a cute accent, rooftop workout. Eat cake because it was his birthday when they met on ATFR.

 

Mike
27
Cincinnati, OH
Sports Analyst

Cardboard cutout because Arie should she her as happy as she is tonight.

 

Nick
27
Orlando, FL
Attorney

Not a racecar driver, usually good at opening statements but not tonight.

 

Rickey
27
San Diego, CA
IT Consultant

“All the adjectives.”

 

Ryan
26
Manhattan Beach, CA
Banjoist

“Where’s the banjo?” Purple + gold printed velvet jacket.

 

Trent
28
Naples, FL
Realtor

Shows up in a hearse. “When I heard you were the Bachelorette, I LITERALLY died. But then you brought me back to life.”

 

Wills
29
Los Angeles, CA
Graphic Designer

Closet nerd.

 

It’s morning at the mansion + we get these cute shots of men who can cook, men who can eat bananas, men who can talk crap about other men. So picturesque. David’s just laying into Jordan in his ITM but I can’t say I blame him. I’m not sure if anyone’s #TeamJordan at this point, but if you are please let me know why! I want to understand! Jordan thinks David is boring. I mean the guy showed up in a chicken suit. I hardly think he’s boring. He can cook breakfast, he’s fun + he’s very cute. Someone give him my number. On a weirdly small couch, Joe + Colton are talking about how Colton + Becca may or may not create a relationship because of his history with Tia. Chris Harrison drops by to check in on the guys + inevitably drop off a date card. This date card is a group date for Wills (who’s wearing a sweatshirt with his name on it), Jason, Jordan, David (for opposition to Jordan drama), Jean Blanc + Colton. Theme? It’s time to relax. We know from the previews that this is the spa date that Becca’s Bachelor friends will be joining us on.

The guys board a party bus + are off to meet our girl. We meet Becca setting up for everyone to meet her. There’s a knock + in come Caroline (“I know what you did.”), Tia, Bekah, Seinne + Kendall. We pop a bottle + we’re ready to go. Becca tells her friends that the guys don’t know they’re coming + lets Tia know about Colton. She kind of gets this embarrassed, you caught me look on her face. She offers hardly any information. According to Tia, they dated before her season started airing. Bekah asked if when he told her that he was going on the show that they ended it + Tia says yes. I don’t know that I buy that. Bekah asked if he thought she’d be the bachelorette + Tia says “Well, yeah.” Interesting… Tia doesn’t want Becca to be upset about it. Becca wants to sit down with Tia one on one about it. I wonder if she’s feeling like I am, that we are not getting the full story here. Becca would really like him if it wasn’t for this + I don’t blame her. I am immediately not interested in someone if they’ve dated one of my friends. Some of the ladies down their mimosas, some leave a full glass. Lookin’ at you Seinne. What a waste of champagne!

The guys come in + tell me why Tia’s face lit up when she saw Colton. As Becca introduced the guys + the girls, she forgets Jason’s name + that’s heartbreaking. Colton + Jared talk about how uncomfortable it was that Colton + Tia were in the same room + Jared tells Colton he needs to find the time to pull Becca aside + address this. But from Colton’s face, I could tell he was excited to see Tia. Unfortunately I think there are still feelings there from both sides. The guys jump right in to paint the girls’ nails + Jean Blanc even busts out the scalp massager on Becca. Quickly the guys + women switch + the guys are getting their nails painted. Kendall says she’ll really be paying attention to the guys who still go out of their way for Becca today. Gotta hand it to the girl who’s always focused on what’s going on. Becca’s enjoying a shoulder massage from David + a foot massage from Jordan + she’s very glad she shaved her legs today. I would say something like that but it would not land nearly as well. Becca Kufrin is just so much cooler than I am! Becca pulls Tia aside to check in. Tia assures Becca that the most they did was kiss, that they never defined the relationship + that he told her days into their situationship that he applied for the show. Becca is concerned he wanted Tia to be the batchelorette + if that’s the case she’s going to have to send him home. Boy bye!

Jean Blanc comes in first the sneak attack to steal her away first by pretending he wanted to see her nails. With her hand in his, it was the perfect move, as suave as I’d assume anyone named Jean Blanc would be. He’s got the scalp massager from earlier + I want to know if he stole it for later or if production grabbed it for him. He claims he packed it himself. Hmm. Becca tells Jason she has a crush on him even though this is their first date. Thankfully he didn’t think twice about her forgetting his name + they makeout. Becca’s body language suggests that she’s far more into him than he is into her which is irritating but at the same time, it seems aggressive if the situation’s reversed. Back in the group room, Jordan, David, Wills + Colton are discussing Jordan’s Tinder success. Apparently he had 4,000 matches on Tinder last year + he thinks he has about a 100% matching percentage because he’s so selective. That’s annoying. I hate men who see women as conquests. Get out of here. David pulls Becca aside + spends his time telling her about Jordan + Tinder. I hate when people do that so much. Becca leaves with David + high fives Jordan (condescendingly?) about his 4,000 matches. Petty Crocker is in the houseeee!

Jordan goes over to defend himself but Becca’s basically like “Chill. I have a sense of humor.” He tells her “I know it’s tough because I’m a model…I usually can’t find someone who can match my intensity.” But Becca takes control of the conversation asking what he’s like in a relationship. He says he does everything because he cooks, cleans, he’s basically a golden retriever. Boy, she’s got a corgi. You should have played that up. “I can be a boyfriend + I can totally have a girls’ day.” Back in the common area, David + Jordan are fighting again while Jason, Jean Blanc + Wills are trying not to laugh as Jordan says “If you want to wreck my image you’ll never succeed. You know why? Because my image is me.” Okay, dude. Whatever you say man. I did not follow you. You lost me after Wilhelmina model. Didn’t America’s Next Top Model place winners with Wilhelmina for a time? I only have four photos in my hands. Those photos represent the four girls still in the running towards becoming America’s next top model. Whoever’s name I do not call must immediately pack their bags + go home. Wow. That was a rabbit hole I haven’t been down in a while… please tell me you read that in Tyra’s voice. I know I did. But back to The Bachelorette…

At the mansion we have a one-on-one date card for Chris that reads “Let’s make our hearts sing.” If Instagram hadn’t spoiled it for me earlier, I’d be very shocked right now. The rest of the guys awkwardly clap. Seems they didn’t see this coming either. But the guy’s cute… when you don’t think about the fact that he kind of looks like Crazy Eddie from Friends. So we’ll see how it goes.

We’re finally getting the conversation with Becca + Colton. This week we made it a whole 40 minutes before Arie’s name was mentioned. I’m astounded. Becca is still closed off from Colton + it’s sad but understandable. How weird must it be that someone’s dating you but they wish they were dating your friend? I mean I feel like that’s always the case with me because my best friend is so gorgeous but when she reads this she’ll be annoyed that I included that. Whatever it’s a fact, Gab. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Bolton. Yes I made them a couple name even though he could go home within the next few minutes. She asks if there are residual feelings for Tia he says there aren’t. He’s there for her. They makeout, she steps away to grab the date rose + offers it to Colton. I mean he must be a good kisser. Everyone else is dumbfounded. Jordan can’t handle David’s grin. So it seems like the game is changing for him. More villainous? Okay. I’m here for it, despite the previews showing someone being taken away in an ambulance + Lincoln’s unmistakeable accent stating that he thought it was Jordan. So let’s clarify. I’m here for harmless villainous activity, despite how contradictory that sounds. But I am not here for violence.

We’re back to limos for Chris’ one-on-one date. They’re heading east on Hollywood Boulevard. How do I know? Well they drove past the Starbucks at Hollywood & Vine which is my favorite Starbucks on the planet. I’d know it anywhere. They pull up to Capitol Records + Richard Marx is in a studio. He plays “Right Here Waiting For You” for them + Becca can’t sing. Not gonna lie, I’m glad because I also cannot sing. Richard says he’s going to help them write their own love songs + that scares Chris. He’s afraid to be vulnerable. His parents divorced young so he’s concerned for his own love story. He tells Becca she makes it easier to open up + she assures him that they’re doing this together. They kiss on the floor in the hallway + they’re off to share their words. For someone so nervous, Chris wrote some pretty dope verses. Richard Marx puts it to music while they slow dance + kiss in front of him. Awkward. See this is why I can’t be on this show. I can’t do PDA!

The last date card of the week has arrived for Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Conor + Blake saying “We can tackle anything together.” Colton reminds everyone to stay focused on her rather than each other. Jordan is trying to cause drama with Colton over Tia. Which Colton isn’t here for + neither is David. “I talk to God everyday + God knows if Jordan’s got an issue with someone, 86 ’em.” Okay dude. What god are you talking to? Mine doesn’t do that. Mine would probably laugh at me for wanting to 86 someone. This kid needs to go. I’m so annoyed.

On the one-on-one, Becca thanks Chris for opening up + asks him where his challenge was for him. He tells her it made him nervous that he’d let her in only to be shut down + brings up his parents divorce. His father left on New Year’s Day when he was seven leaving him with his mom + two sisters. That’s devastating. So five years ago he wrote to his father, attempting to forge some kind of relationship only to be ignored. Becca gets emotional as she assures him she’ll never judge him for opening up. Because he pushed through is discomfort + he really showed Becca who he is, she offers him the one-on-one rose a “Right Here Waiting For You” is playing in the background. They walk into a hotel ballroom Where Richard Marx has a piano + a microphone performing for them while the dance + kiss like it’s prom.

Back at the house, David is being carried out of the house on a stretcher + put into an ambulance. According to Lincoln, there was blood everywhere + he was slumped over. Almost everyone was watching tentatively as he was carried out but then they cut to the rose ceremony room where Jordan’s just sitting on a couch in a tank top + shorts unfazed by the situation. Was that real or did they take a scene from another time for drama? We’ll find out on Men Tell All I’m sure. The next morning everyone’s talking about their memories from the night before. Blake is really emotional + Colton remembers David looking like he was attacked by a bear. Of course these are dudes so they didn’t clean up the blood on the floor. Well is it because they’re dudes? Is it evidence? Did production ask them not to? I seem to be blaming production for a lot. After Becca’s breakup, how could you not? Chris Harrison comes to see Becca in her hotel to let her know there was an incident in the house last night + one of the guys is in the ICU. Well ish! If it was Jordan, I hope Wilhelmina fired him. Immediately pack your bags + go home. He tells her that David’s nose + face were busted. Chris says he fell out of bed + landed on his face but he’s going to be okay. She calls him to check on him. He says he’s used to a king sized bed but he rolled over + BOOM! All I know is if he doesn’t make it back by the rose ceremony + he’s eliminated because he’s not there, I’m going to be upset. Maquel got to come home. when her grandfather died. I would think this is just as severe.

In the morning, Jordan “David-proofs” the bed by screwing in a little railing + makes a joke about using your insurance because you fell out of bed. I wonder if general sleeping hazards are covered by the release form they all surely signed… Lincoln says he thinks it was Jordan + in Jordan’s ITM, he says he wouldn’t hurt a fly with a big smile on his face + a wink. I don’t know, y’all. You be the judge. I’m definitely suspicious but accusing no one until I have further evidence. How convenient + lucky that David already had his date this week + isn’t missing out on this football date. Granted, he spent his time talking about Jordan but at least there was an energy exchange between him + Becca.

The guys are met by a marching band on a football field that parts + Becca comes running through as cute as ever. We’re joined by Melissa Miles + Dina Karwoski of the Legends Football League for today’s date. Clay’s super excited + I want to see him shine today. The guys being put through some drills + most are definitely intimidating. Becca calls Lincoln out for cheating. Clay is really owning these drills + it’s really grabbing Becca’s attention. I want to see him go far. I hope it makes up for me accidentally swiping left on him on Bumble. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that. Of course they’re not being put through these drills for fun. They’re sent to the locker room to suit up for a game in front of a live audience. It’s going to be a terrible game but as long as Clay is able to play to his strengths, I think it’ll be positively entertaining. Garrett sends off a fantastic kick off to the blue team. After it drops, Mike grabs it + attempts to head down the field but is quickly brought down. Clay throws a touchdown pass for blue, then Garrett for white. Lincoln can’t seem to figure out if he’s on offense or defens + Clay eventually has to push him out of the way. White takes a quick lead over Clay’s blue but Clay picks the ball off, makes it most of the way down the field, flips it to Blake when he’s in trouble + is within  a touchdown. Clay brings one more in to tie but needs a medic to check his wrist. Sweet Becca doesn’t leave his side. The rest of the guys no longer care about the game + just want Clay to be okay. What a genuine, stand up group of guys. The paramedics say he needs to go to the ER to get checked out.

Clay wasn’t able to make it to the second part of the date which is really sad. I really wanted him to take the group date rose. He deserved it. Becca tells Garrett that he’s doing really well on these group dates even though she knows they’re not ideal. He tells her he’s going to teach her some tackling moves. Like self defense? Because I’m pretty sure football’s over for the night. He tells her to pick him up “like just cup your butt?” She does but immediately puts him down. He scoops her up + throws her over his shoulder before putting her down + exchanging a kiss. Blake is really having a hard time sharing Becca. He’s terrified + excited about his feelings. Blake calls Becca his girlfriend + it made Becca so giddy. But suddenly Clay’s here! His wrist’s in a sling + he has to see an orthopedic surgeon the next day. Becca lights up when she sees him + that’s so sweet to see. Before Clay came back I was sure Blake was getting the rose but now I don’t know. It goes to Clay for making her feel like such a princess. He may have teared up in his ITM. Wow. She pins the rose to his sling. Too cute.

With 10 minutes left, we’re either skipping the cocktail party, which I think it’s very early to be pulling the cocktail party but Becca knows her heart or we’re pushing off the rose ceremony until next week + I HATE THAT. I need to be able to sleep tonight, ABC! Clay is out of his sling so it must have gone well with the surgeon. People like Nick are nervous since they didn’t get a date. Becca walks in, grabs a drink shares that she wishes David were here, much to Jordan’s chagrin. Me, too, girl. Me, too. But she’s had such a great week + is so hopeful for where things will go. She says it’s time to have fun + I know ABC has let me down. There will be no rose ceremony tonight there simply isn’t time because Connor has taken her out to the driveway where he’s set up a little baseball field since that’s much more his speed than football. He does the cheesy holding her hips thing, she whacks the ball off the tee, runs the basses + scores a kiss. Jason tells her he hasn’t had feelings like this in so long + he scores a kiss, too. Oh, JK Clay says he needs to have surgery. He’s nervous he has to leave early for this surgery to continue his career but he doesn’t want to leave Becca. He doesn’t want to end up three years down the road at the end of his football career with no one by his side. Dude! I’ll be by your side! I’m so sorry I swiped left. Normally I prefer those with roses to back off during cocktail parties, but I feel like these are extenuating circumstances. Becca’s finally finding the spark with Clay which is heartbreaking because he knows he has to leave. They share a really sweet hug goodbye + he returns his rose. It’s breaking my heart to see how heartbroken she is over him. Becca says she has nothing left + she’s done.

Previews for next week show a one-on-one with Garrett (finally!), David coming back + being much worse off than anyone expected + someone lying to Becca. I’m annoyed, alarmed, concerned + invested. You know I’ll be back next week. Will you be joining me?

xo.