The Bachelorette | A Bash to the Past

[SPOILERS] Okay Bachelor Nation! We’re back with episode two + I sincerely apologize that this recap is late! Yesterday was my sister’s 25th birthday. For those of you who don’t know, she lives in Orlando so I don’t get to see her very often. She is one of the VERY few people I’d wait a day to blog The Bachelorette for so just know that my absence was for something very important. Just from tonight’s preview I know this episode is going to be entertaining but wasteful. I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s do a quick recap of who’s still here + who’s not.

Alex
31
Atlanta, GA
Construction Manager

Becca loved the tie.

 

Blake
28
Bailey, CO
Sales Rep

Comes in riding an ox… Dark salmon jacket. Feelings as strong as an ox. (We met him at ATFR, he put her on the horse.)

Chase
27
Sanford, FL
Advertising VP

“Its all about the Chase.”

 

Chris
30
Orlando, FL
Sales Trainer

Plans to win over Uncle Gary so he brings a choir. “All God’s children got a rose.”

 

Christian
28
San Diego, CA
Banker

Suave, twirls Becca.

 

Christon
31
Los Angeles, CA
Former Harlem Globetrotter

Dying to know more about her…

 

Clay
30
Chicago, IL
Pro Football Player

Very family oriented. Caught a lot of passes but if he lands her, she’d be the biggest catch of her life. He’ll catch her inside. Fun fact, he (or someone catfishing as him) came up for me on Bumble + I accidentally swiped left! I didn’t know you could undo your left swipes + I’m devastated. He’s cute!

 

Colton
26
Denver, CO
Former Pro Footbal Player

Born on Super Bowl Sunday, used to play for the Chargers, has a cousin with CF + started a foundation for people with CF. Also has a cute dog. Confetti cannon so they can get started with a bang.

 

Connor
25
St. Petersburg, FL
Fitness Coach

Gets down on one knee, he’s ready to take this journey with her + do the damn thing. Ring box with a printout of a ring.

 

Darius
26
Sherman Oaks, CA
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep

Not nervous because he already met her on ATFR.

 

David
25
Denver, CO
Venture Capitalist

Chicken suit. Not here to ruffle feathers, wants to build an egg-celent relationship, will see her in the henhouse

 

Grant
27
Danville, CA
Electrician

Respects her for what she went through but wants to forget about all that so they can let loose + have a good time.

 

Garrett
29
Reno, NV
Medical Sales Rep

Imitates Wisconsin accent, fishes, “hope she’s as good of a catch as I am.” Minivan, hopes to be a great dad. Soccer ball, baby bag, car seat. “Oh my God, that was good.”

 

Jake
29
Minneapolis, MN
Marketing Consultant

Says he looks familiar… they’re both from Minneapolis. Acquaintance. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”–Becca

 

Jason
29
Buffalo, NY
Sr. Corporate Banker

Teaches her his handshake.

 

Jean Blanc
31
Pensecola, FL
Colognoisseur (Is this real life? According to his ABC bio he also works in finance.)

From Haiti. “She needs a man that smells good + I’m going to blow her nose away.” Teaches her “Let’s do the damn thing!” in French. “Wow he smelled so good.”

 

 

Joe
31
Chicago, IL
Grocery Store Owner

Doesn’t know women as well as tomatoes. Forgets everything he was gonna say… literally says nothing.

 

 

John
28
San Francisco, CA
Software Engineer

Hopes love can happen overnight because it happened for his grandparents. Almost gets lost going into the house.

 

Jordan
26
Crystal River, FL
Male Model

Gym, tan + laundry salt spray year round. “Fun shoes.” Very annoying about everyone’s fashion choices, which is saying something because I’m a fashion blogger.

 

 

Kamil
30
Monroe, NY
Social Media Participant (UH WHAT?! You have a successful career in real estate per your ABC bio. Why did production list you that way?!)

Meet him halfway, then asks her to do 60/40. Nuh uh buddy.

 

Leo
31
Studio City, CA
Stuntman

Messy man bun that resembles my hair on a Monday, wants to let his hair down.

 

Lincoln
26
Los Angeles, CA
Account Sales Executive

From Nigeria, such a cute accent, rooftop workout. Eat cake because it was his birthday when they met on ATFR.

 

Mike
27
Cincinnati, OH
Sports Analyst

Cardboard cutout because Arie should she her as happy as she is tonight.

 

Nick
27
Orlando, FL
Attorney

Not a racecar driver, usually good at opening statements but not tonight.

 

Rickey
27
San Diego, CA
IT Consultant

“All the adjectives.”

 

Ryan
26
Manhattan Beach, CA
Banjoist

“Where’s the banjo?” Purple + gold printed velvet jacket.

 

Trent
28
Naples, FL
Realtor

Shows up in a hearse. “When I heard you were the Bachelorette, I LITERALLY died. But then you brought me back to life.”

 

Wills
29
Los Angeles, CA
Graphic Designer

Closet nerd.

 

Now that we remember who’s still here, let’s get to last night’s episode!

Becca’s going on her first date since Arie + I’m very excited for her. She’s riding her bike around Venice lookin’ all cute + Insta worthy while the guys back at the mansion are standing on the balcony collectively calling out “BECCA!” Don’t we do this every season? The men are all smiles + why wouldn’t they be? They survived the very long night that is the first rose ceremony. Chris stops buy to remind them how serious this is for Becca + leaves the first date card. Will this be a one-on-one? Nope, it’s a group date for Clay, Nick, Chris R. (wait, who’s Chris R? Is this a Chris vs. Christon thing? I’ll let you know.), David, Jean Blanc. Jordan, Connor + Lincoln. The date card reads “I’m ready for my big day.” The guys head off in a limo to Saddlerock Ranch in Malibu where Becca meets them in a chic white maxi dress. Of course, she’s ready for her big day. (Update, it’s Chris, not Christon on the date.) Because Becca was pampered on her first date, which, if you remember was the one-on-one with Rachel Zoe + shoe got a pair of Louboutins. The guys change into tuxes as Becca only half tries to avert her eyes from all the rippling muscles + microphones taped to those muscles. Jordan, my initial pick for villain, is primed and ready to go for whatever is to come, you know, being a male model + whatnot. Becca asks for tips + he tells her that before she puts on her socks, pantyhose or shoes, she needs to put the confidence on.

She marches them down to a field where Rachel + Bryan are waiting for them on an obstacle course. It’s Gooms Day. It’s gonna be fun + messy, much like love is. This is a test of trust for Becca. I’m not sure how, though. Like cool, you can complete this obstacle course. I don’t know how that proves that six months down the road he wont be texting some other girl. I’m just saying. So anyway. Back to this trust-proving obstacle course. The first task, aptly named “Ball + Chain,” requires the men to attach a ball + chain to their ankle + drag it to their next event. Event two, “Cold Feet,” requires the guys to hop into a barrel of water until a board game timer runs out. Next up is “Slippery Slope,” a staircase covered in Crisco that they have to climb up + jump off the other side. Then we come to “Get Over Your Exes,” crawling through mud to grab flowers + putting them in a metal vase. Next we have “Cake Tasting,” where the guys have to find two rings in four cakes using only their mouths (“what that mouth do?” –Rachel). The two men who find rings will crawl down the aisle to Becca + the winner gets time with her. Jordan has to state the obvious + tell us that love is exactly what this course is about. I mean, duh! We’re off dragging 20-25 lb balls to the barrels. Apparently it was 40 degrees on the day they filmed it so the guys are MISERABLE. Bryan tells them not to worry about the shrinkage because this is for Becca. Clay is just CRUSHING this, but Lincoln cheated + beat everyone out of the barrels + killed the Crisco stairs. When it comes time to drop off the flowers off in the vase, Lincoln misses + has to go back which gives David (the chicken suit guy) time to catch up. Both have forgotten that you can’t use your hands to find the rings in the cakes but they both come up with one. While racing on their knees to get to Becca, Lincoln pushes David out of the way to secure his win. That’s dirty, bro. At least when Astrid sneakily won Nick’s obstacle course to win hot tub time with him, she didn’t cheat. If he can’t be honest playing this game, how can you expect him to be honest in a relationship?

We’ve reached the drinks + conversation portion of the group date. Becca is slaying in a red lace bodiced jumpsuit with a deep v neckline. She’s definitely impressed by Lincoln’s sowing at the obstacle course this morning + she loves his attitude. Just wait until you realize he’s a cheater, girl. Boy bye! Lincoln steals her first + Jordan’s mad because it’s a group date. Boy you must be new. You’re supposed to steal the lead on group dates. What do you think this part of the date is supposed to look like? Sitting around a coffee table in silence that is only broken by the cracks of the fire + that disgusting sound of guys swallowing their drinks. Nah. But if Lincoln doesn’t stop calling Becca his wife, I’m going to get really mad really fast. Lincoln thinks she brings out the best in him + I’m like “How?! You’ve known her five minutes!” Becca surprises him with a framed copy of their “wedding” photo. He tells her that he can definitely do better than the gross, muddy kiss he gave her before so they kiss on the couch + it’s definitely not the best Bachelor Nation kiss of all time if you know what I mean… He says that “kissing her is like flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold. And more.” Uhmm… does anyone ever feel like that when they kiss someone? I never have. Shoot. I don’t even think fireworks are real. You know, when you kiss someone. I’m not under any impression that real fireworks don’t exist… Lincoln, ever so braggadocios, brings his photo out to the coffee table where HE CRUSHES THE GROUP DATE ROSE. How dare you?!

At the house, a date card arrives for Blake, “Let’s lose control.”

Back on the group date, we see little blips of conversations between Becca + the guys. Becca swoons over Chris telling her he wants to treat a woman how he treats his mother + sisters. Nick says he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now. David tells her he wants to be pushed intellectually. Clay assures her that he’s here for her. Lincoln’s talking to his framed photo. The other guys are mad that Lincoln’s throwing it in their face + Connor ends up flinging the photo into the pool frame + all. Maybe that was a bit far, but come on, Lincoln. Keep that between you + the couch. Your behavior is uncalled for. Jean Blanc tells Becca that he has butterflies + he’s ready to get involved in a situation. Well shoot. She loves how good he is at eye contact + how he makes her feel special. They share a kiss + Jean Blanc feels more fireworks. Lincoln waits for Becca on the stairs to tell her he needs a new photo because Connor smashed theirs. Suddenly this feels like elementary school. Someone’s tattling to the teacher, the teacher’s not getting the whole story. He says he feels threatened physically because of this. So Becca takes Connor to talk. He explains that he was rubbed the wrong way. She tells him she wants to know him without all the frustrating BS. She says she needs time to think about him because this was serious. I think it’s time to talk to a producer + set up something special for the cocktail party to show Becca who you really are… But it’s time for the group date rose + it goes to Jean Blanc. Okay!!! I’m here for this. He’s really cute!

The next morning, Lincoln is talking to a few guys about how hurt he still is over the photo. We have our second cryer of the season. Of course these were guys who weren’t on the date so they didn’t see how snotty he was being about it. Jordan is speculating Lincoln’s intentions… I would too. Becca picks Blake up for the date in a limo, Blake’s first limo ride as he arrived on the ox last week. Becca doesn’t know what they’ll be doing on their date because Chris Harrison will be taking over. This has to be good! She’s excited that he’s her first one-on-one. They show up at a very grungy warehouse where Chris is waiting with a sledgehammer. There’s coveralls, helmets + sledge hammers for them. They walk in to find momento  from Becca’s relationship with Arie from a racing car to tvs playing their proposal to the grey couch he broke up with her on ready to be smashed. Then, surprise, Li’l John is there to DJ (?) their smash sesh. So they “bust the windows out cha car,” walls curtains, guitars, wine bottles + TVs while Li’l John blasts “Turn Down For What.” They can’t stop smiling. I’m excited! I really like him for Becca. They have dinner at Warwick. Becca shares that this was completely different from her first one-on-one with Arie + so much more her than their modeling cool clothes date. Blake says he isn’t nervous to be with her + that’s reassuring. Blake shares about his last relationship + how he also was blindsided by his breakup. He’s not afraid to be vulnerable.

The final date card arrives for Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills + Colton reading “Love comes at you hard + fast.” That means Jason + Mike are probably headed home tonight unless they have an amazing “can I steal you for a sec” sessions with Becca during the cocktail party.

Becca loves that with Blake she doesn’t feel like The Bachelorette, she feels like Becca. They really love the beginning of their story + I do, too. They’re on the same page which restores so much hope so Becca offers him the rose + they share a kiss. Then they share another outside before she sends him off. She’s “smitten.” I wonder what that’s like. If it were to end right now, she can definitely see her future with him.

The guys board a school bus for their date + if I were them, I’d feel a little gypted. Everyone else who got a date took a limo + they’re headed back to school. Did they pack a lunch? They meet Becca outside a school + she’s wearing a white cropped top + silver athletic short shorts. Get it girl! They walk into the school gym where they’re immediately greeted by three kids pelting them with dodgeballs. The kids put them through their paces + they play a quick scrimmage before hopping back on the bus to head to Sky Zone for The Ultimate Bachelorette Dodgeball Championship. We’re watching hot pink v  lime + lime takes game one. How Leo could play with all that hair all over the place. Hot pink takes game two. Leo says that you win dodgeball with heart + he was the only one on his team with any heart. Lime took game three + took the match. I really hope Leo takes the group date rose. Chris assures everyone is going to the afterparty so there will be no Krystal-after-the-bowling-date drama. Thank goodness. I don’t have energy for anyone talking crap about my girl.

We’re at the Four Seasons Hotel (something) Village for round two of the date. She talks to Garrett, minivan guy, first. He appreciates any time he gets with her. Why is the bar so low for me that I simply want someone who appreciates any time he gets with me? Oh yeah. Because the last two guys I dated didn’t appreciate any of the time they had with me, they lost me + now I’m off to bigger + better things. Time to channel my inner Becca. No, it’s time to get back to Becca’s love story, not my non-existent one. She tells Christon kept her on her toes + tells Leo that he’s a romantic. She + Wills talk about what they want in a partner + Wills gets emotional about how much he loves his family. They share a very passionate kiss. It comes to light that Colton dated Tia. If that’s not shady, I’m not sure what is. He tells her about Tia + her face just falls. She doesn’t know how she feels about it but it makes her feel a little sick. She needs some time to think about it. Wills ends up getting the rose on this date + Becca is feeling very nervous. I mean I don’t blame her. She took a very big risk doing this again.

Becca was sure she wouldn’t cry until week five but here she is. She’s losing trust in the process + in the guys. She puts on a gorgeous blue sequined dress with a deep v neck + a very high slit. The roses will definitely pop against this dress. Clay gets time with her first + they “score a touchdown,” dance + kiss. John reads her a poem he wrote + kisses her. Connor gives her a framed photo of him from the obstacle course + asks her to fling it into the pool to symbolize that the man he is wasn’t the man he was on their group date. Jordan, villainous male model, strips down to his boxer briefs to make a statement. Jordan interrupts Becca’s time with David (chicken costume). He tells her that he dreams of having a little Jordy. David confronts him about his disrespect wondering if theres more to him. Jordan doesn’t think he’s being disrespectful. Men never do. Becca is still concerned about Colton’s + Tia’s relationship. He assures her he is there for her + he doesn’t want her to have any doubt. Becca says that she doesn’t want to invest until she reaches some clarity with him.

Becca is confident + ready for this rose ceremony. As a reminder, Jean Blanc, Blake + Wills received roses on dates. Rose ceremony roses are going to: Chris, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln + Colton. That means we’re saying goodbye to Alex, Trent + Rickey. Alex is our third cryer. Poor guy.

Next week’s episode includes a guest appearance by some of Becca’s Bachelor besties, including Tia, so we’ll have to see how things play out with her + Colton. Additionally, someone leaves in an ambulance + but unlike when Evan went to the hospital on Paradise, this seems legit. I’m actually concerned + afraid to watch the next episode. I’m going to need a ton more wine. But until then…

xo.