The Bachelor | A Crash Course in Love

[SPOILERS] Aaaand we’re back with our favorite race car driver. Well the only race car driver I know outside of Jeff Gordon (hello late 90s, early 2000s) + Danika Patrick (hello girl power!) I’m looking forward to the beginning of those awkward group dates. I wish a man would take me on a date with other women present. As much as I love this franchise, I could not be on this show. But that’s not new. I went as moral support for someone who auditioned over the summer for this season. I got the once over from the producer + wasn’t even politely asked if I was auditioning, too. I know I don’t have the look for a Bachelor contestant. Put me next to Ashley Iconetti, Becca Tilley, Amanda Stanton, Vanessa Grimaldi, Raven Gates, Rachel Lindsay, Christen Whitney… I just don’t belong. I know that + that’s fine. I’d probably be so nervous I couldn’t even speak. That wouldn’t make for good tv…

Let’s do a quick recap of who’s still in the running to win Arie’s heart:

Name Age Hometown Occupation Notes

Chelsea 29 Portland, ME Real Estate Exec Arie refers to her as interesting.

Caroline 26 Ft. Lauderdale Realtor Hopes they’ll be “off the market”

Maquel 23 Orem, UT Photographer Showed up in the race car

~~Nysha 30 Anderson, SC Nurse~~

Tia 26 Weiner, AR Physical Therapist Gives Arie a small wiener/Raven’s friend

Kendall 26 Los Angeles Creative Director Arie whispers that she’s “so nervous” as she walked into the house.

Bekah n/a Los Angeles Nanny ’65 Mustang

Marik 27 Salt Lake City Restaurant Owner

Krystal 29 San Diego Online Fitness Coach Does centering exercise with Arie for her entrance

Sienne 27 Newport Beach Commercial Real Estate Elephant cufflinks

Bibiana 30 Miami Beach Executive Assistant

~~Bri 25 Portland, OR Sports Reporter Softball~~

Jenny 25 Chicago Graphic Designer

~~Brittane 27 Los Angeles Marketing Manager “Nice Butt” bumper sticker~~

Jacqueline 26 New York Research Coordinator

Valerie 25 Nashville Server

Jenna 28 Raleigh Social Media Manager Wants someone to take over the world with

~~Jessica 26 Santa Monica TV host Gives Arie gratitude rock/father met Arie before he died~~

~~Olivia 23 Chicago Marketing Associate~~

Becca K. 27 Minneapolis Publicist Has Arie get down on one knee

Lauren S. 31 Dallas Social Media Manager x

~~Lauren J. 33 New Roads, LA Recent Master’s Grad Gives Arie Mardi Gras beads~~

Lauren B. 25 Dallas Tech Salesperson

Lauren G. 26 Los Angeles Executive Recruiter

Ashley 25 West Palm Beach Real Estate Agent Checkered flag

Brittany T. 30 Austin Tech Recruiter Tried to speak Dutch/car race/first kiss

Amber 29 Denver Business Owner “I’ve seen a lot of d*cks in my line of work + hope you aren’t one.”

~~Ali 27 Dallas Personal Stylist Smell check/pit stop~~

Annaliese 32 San Francisco Event Designer Kissing bandit

We open on Arie getting motorcycle ready + the girls clinking champagne glasses. Our friend Chris Harrison stops by to let the ladies know the first group date is tonight. My girl Becca K is going on this one-on-one date, much to Chelsea’s chagrin. I can’t say I’m mad. He zips her into a jacket + away they go. Honestly I’m having some anxiety about this date already. I have quite a fear of motorcycles. We cut back to Chelsea complaining about how jealous she is. Like yeah, girl. We get it. Back on the date, the enter this beautiful stone mansion. There’s a delicious lunch spread. But turn around + there’s Rachel Zoe with a rack of clothes for her to try on to pick something out for tonight. She models some SICK ball gowns for Arie and then announces that she gets to keep all of them. Then he gets down on one knee with Loubitons. This reminds me of the date on Alex Michel’s season when (I can’t remember her name) got to try on pieces at Harry Winston. We get one last surprise with a guy with a briefcase brings a gift from Neil Lane: serious ice for these for later + of course she kisses him. I can’t say this was my favorite date. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being given all this stuff. She walks back in + everyone is losing their mind. Bibiana already thinks they’re going to get married.

Becca steps out of the limo in this pretty silver off the shoulder midi dress for their dinner date at the Hudson loft. He says he reminds her of him + how he felt on Emily’s season. And cue the dinner interview. But he seems much calmer than last episode. He laughs at her joke about fixing her breaks + tells her she makes his heart smile. Back at the mansion, the ladies are talking about Aries “pillow-y” lips when the doorbell rings. It’s another date card + plot twist, it’s another one-on-one for Krystal, online fitness trainer/homeless helper. On Becca + Arie’s date, we find out her last relatinship was with a man who she had a seven year relationship with someone who supported her through her father’s brain cancer that he lost his battle with. It’s not a shock that she gets a rose. He tells her she gets to keep the Neil Lane earrings + pulls a string releasing a confetti storm for them to kiss under. They love this date + that’s great. This would not be my ideal. I’m uncomfortable watching this because receiving gifts is absolutely NOT my love language.

It’s the next day + the day of Krystal’s date. She’s wearing destroyed skinny jeans, a grey choker tank + brown booties. HOW did she know what to wear? They meet at a private plane to jet off to Scottsdale already. They hop into a Porche + Arie points out important places to him. They walk through his high school + HE TAKES HER HOME ON THE FIRST DATE. That is huge to me. They flip through old photos. This would be my kind of date…even though he took her home on their first date. This is so freaking cute. Oh! The home movies have come out. Cue the 80s hair! Mullets + teasing galore. One last surprise is to meet the parents. Oh so just like Raven’s one-on-one with Nick. Why are we doing this now, ABC? Arie shares about their centering exercises then Krystal asks how they met. Small town love. I can’t imagine marrying someone I’ve known forever. I’m not attracted to anyone. This date was really scary for Krystal as she reveals she’s not close to her family, but Arie assures her that his mother loves her. I think I’d be really intimidated if I met the parents on the first date because we’re not in high school anymore. I can’t imagine introducing my parents to anyone I wasn’t sure I had a future with but that’s just me. The last man I was involved with I thought I could introduce to my parents the day after we met but it didn’t end up working out. Thank goodness. My parents havent met anyone since high school + for good reason. I pick real winners. If you didn’t read that last sentence with sarcasm, go back + do that.

One more knock on a door + a date card. Bekah has the most excited look on her face reminiscent of her last week + the Old Taylor. “Let’s hit love head on…” Maquel, Mariq, Tia, Valerie, Annalliese, Lauren G, Kendal, Bekah, Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana + Cheslsea will be heading out on whatever shenanigans are planned for this group date.

We cut back to Krystal + Arie. They head into a building with “Bradbury” in stone above the door with an antique, open elevator that opens to a lovely dinnerscape. I’m kind of bored watching this surface-y conversation. Let’s get to the interview. Arie wants to know about Krystal. She shares her growing up was less traditional, that her parents divorced when she was very young. Her dad wasn’t around + her mom wasn’t emotionally available. She grew up taking care for her brother. She shares how she found out her brother is homeless + it’s very sad. Arie reassures her the way the Bachelor typically does. It’s sweet + he offers her the first date rose. Obviously she accepts. I had to go back to my notes because she looked so young but like me, she has a baby face. For a moment she looked so much younger than 29. That’s the kind of vulnerability you need in a relationship that I’ve never been comfortable being. They go upstairs + some guy is singing + they get to dance in an auditorium. Definitely a sweet date.

Krystal is not sharing the details of the date. Like at all. To the point that it’s kinda frustrating. You know the girls are gonna think you’re shady…. and then Bibiana said it. OKAY GIRL I HEAR YOU! 🙂 But it’s group date time so we have no time for shadiness. This group date is a demolition derby where the women get to design their own car… “Some redneck sh*t.” –Tia. I swear no one is ever more excited than Bekah. Breathe girl! I’m getting concerned. Annaliese is freaking out. It’s triggering some “bumper car trauma” for her. It’s not funny, but the term “bumper car trauma” is. Arie, the ever-lovin’ teddy bear consoles her + psyches her up to get behind the wheel + make it happen. I’m trying to think of something traumatic that happened to me as a kid but the only thing I can think of is changing for gym. I’m sure that’d never happen on a Bachelor date. If it did, my ass would be in the bathroom.

**Sidebar: Bachelor Winter Games commercial pops up + I want to know who made my girl Ashley I cry. I’ve cried enough over the last year + a half over a man that it kills me to see women cry over insignificant men.

And they’re off! At first Annaliese got hit hard but then just goes to town on all these other girls. I think she + Bibiana might be winning. I have to admit I stopped paying attention after a while. But Sienne won which I didn’t see coming. I’m hoping she’s a dark horse because we didn’t get to see much of her last episode. But she gave Arie the elephant cufflinks so I want more of her. Brittany apparently isn’t feeling well so she isn’t joining everyone else for drinks. Did you notice their drinks were all out when they walked in: wine, champagne, cocktails, I think I spotted a water. Good for whomever you are. Chelsea snags him for one-on-one time first. She’s telling him she’s mysterious because there’s another man in her life, her three year old son. Arie is really excited about her being there + they’re making out by a fire. Marik + Bibiana check her + tell her that what she’s given up, while important, doesn’t make what other’s have given up any less important. Arie makes out with Sienne next. We’re breezing through the next girls while Bibiana keeps getting cut off. By the end of the night, she’s done + has walked off camera. Now Arie’s with Becka. “Wanna kiss?” Really girl? I have never asked that question in my life. But there goes their first kiss. His hands are in her hair like damn. Arie sets up like he’s going to give Chelsea the rose but then Seinne gets it instead + I’m so okay with that.

It’s now cocktail party tine! I hope Bibiana gets some time but Arie checks in with Brittany first which I’m okay with that. He made her with an award for “Most Hardcore” which is so freaking cute. Now it’s Bekah’s turn + Bekah “always has to have a fur on” which is kinda weird. They’re gushing about how they didn’t think the other would like them but that doesn’t inhibit them for their insane makeouts. But Krystal comes + interupts time with Lauren B, who didn’t get to go on a date + Krystal HAS A FREAKING ROSE. Bibiana isn’t pleased + I cannot blame her. I would be livid. But girl go interrupt. Marik is playing truth or dare + Kendall shows off her taxidermy. FINALLY Bibiana gets her time. If she gets interrupted, I will be throwing my Macbook so we’ll see if this gets posted. They talk about his dog. Krystal comes to interrupt + ask if Bibiana minds. “Actually I do.” tell her girl. They finish up, open the door + she’s RIGHT THERE. Please take several seats. I wish she’d go take a nap + eat some cheese pasta. Channel your inner Corinne. I take back my statement from last week stating that Chelsea’s our villain. I think it’s a toss up between Chelsea + Krystal.

After the rose ceremony, we said goodbye to Jenny, Lauren G. + Valerie. Jenny throws a fit but Arie chases after her. She says this is the first time she’s been broken up with + I’m over here like “HOW?!” That is a girl I will never be. The struggle of being no one’s type. But she told Arie she’s sad about leaving her friends. Okay…. Next week is bringing another intense group date which includes costumes that is already giving me Nick’s bridal date vibes + some other shocking moment that will give us another shocked face from Bekah. So until then…