The Bachelorette | Becca Does the Damn Thing!

[SPOILERS] Hello Bachelor Nation! If you haven’t watched episode one yet + don’t want to read anything about it until you’ve watched, bookmark this page for later, go watch + come back. For those of you staying, I’m so glad we’re in season again + that it’s finally Becca’s turn. I don’t know about you but I’m still high off Ashley I. + Jared going public with their relationship (FINALLY) that I’m so excited to watch Becca find love completely disregarding my lack of love life. Becca’s already spoiled it for us + told us she IS ENGAGED! Good for you, girl! So excited to see your journey unfold. I will admit that I started this post early so I can include photos of the contestants. Why? Because I was so frustrated that no one seemed to remember my girl Caroline when it came to Women Tell All. (I know what you did + I don’t know how you could do what you did.) One day I’ll hopefully be cool enough to get the episodes early like Kaitlyn Bristowe does… she gets everything but the rose ceremony but that would be so helpful for these recaps. ABC, if you wanna hook a girl up….?

We open with Becca crying over polaroids + being reminded of how heartbreaking it was watching Arie end things with her. How many times do we have to watch her cry? Mom says to the TV “You deserve better.” Becca shares how much she wants what her parents have + we see her on the couch with her mom, her sister, her dog + Uncle Gary for the necessary “you’ll find what you’re looking for” conversation. She thinks she’s normal + average, but she’s stunning. We get scenes of the announcement that Arie is banned from Minnesota + Becca getting hyped up by some runners from University of Minnesota. But it’s commercial time so I’m going to grab my wine… Tonight we’re drinking Relax’s Pink Rose.

If I knew anything about cars, I’d tell you about the red convertible she shows up in to have a girl chat over mimosas with our last three leading ladies, Rachel, JoJo + Kaitlyn. Rachel sets the tone saying “f him” in regards to Arie because it’s all about her. JoJo tells her while the breakup is dark and confusing, this night will be the most hopeful night. Awh JoJo, the gal I can always count on to be genuine + positive. Rachel planned not to like anyone but knew she was in trouble night one. Rachel seems to be dominating the conversation. Can we hear from Kaitlyn? So we start saging the house because there is some bad juju in it. We sage the couches, Becca’s ring finger, her v, an area on JoJo’s season where a bunch of drunks congregated. Then we get to hear from my Kaitlyn, who does not get the saging ritual + didn’t know why they lit a huge doobie. That’s my girl! JoJo reminds us that all the men they ended up with, received their first impression rose + they kissed the first night. So we need to be watching out for whomever steals Becca’s lips first. He might just be stealing her heart. With a quick toast to “Let’s do the damn thing,” a catch phrase that I’ve seen much love + disdain for over the last few weeks, it’s time to bring on the men.

At the Westlake Village Inn, Becca grabs a cream halter gown covered in pearl beads + silver sequins to meet her men. Shouts to her for being able to pull off something with so low of a back. I have a lovely four inch scar on my lower back from a spinal surgery. I doubt whomever made that dress would want to showcase that. Becca arrives at the Malibu mansion to be greeted by Chris Harrison + the wet driveway. She’s nervous that history could repeat itself. but she plans to listen to her gut, the way we all should in relationships. In a perfect world, this journey would end with a proposal but she wants to ensure that the decision is being made together. She needs them both to be 110% in it.  The first limo is arriving! It’s time y’all!

So let’s get started. These guys are in alphabetical order as opposed to the order in which they get out of the limo this time so hopefully this works for you guys.

Alex
31
Atlanta, GA
Construction Manager

Becca loved the tie.

 

Blake
28
Bailey, CO
Sales Rep

Comes in riding an ox… Dark salmon jacket. Feelings as strong as an ox. (We met him at ATFR, he put her on the horse.)

Chase
27
Sanford, FL
Advertising VP

“Its all about the Chase.”

 

Chris
30
Orlando, FL
Sales Trainer

Plans to win over Uncle Gary so he brings a choir. “All God’s children got a rose.”

 

Christian
28
San Diego, CA
Banker

Suave, twirls Becca.

 

Christon (GET PRONUNCIATION FOR THE PEOPLE)
31
Los Angeles, CA
Former Harlem Globetrotter

Dying to know more about her…

 

Clay
30
Chicago, IL
Pro Football Player

Very family oriented. Caught a lot of passes but if he lands her, she’d be the biggest catch of her life. He’ll catch her inside. Fun fact, he (or someone catfishing as him) came up for me on Bumble + I accidentally swiped left! I didn’t know you could undo your left swipes + I’m devastated. He’s cute!

 

Colton
26
Denver, CO
Former Pro Footbal Player

Born on Super Bowl Sunday, used to play for the Chargers, has a cousin with CF + started a foundation for people with CF. Also has a cute dog. Confetti cannon so they can get started with a bang.

 

Connor
25
St. Petersburg, FL
Fitness Coach

Gets down on one knee, he’s ready to take this journey with her + do the damn thing. Ring box with a printout of a ring.

 

Darius
26
Sherman Oaks, CA
Pharmaceutical Sales Rep

Not nervous because he already met her on ATFR.

 

David
25
Denver, CO
Venture Capitalist

Chicken suit. Not here to ruffle feathers, wants to build an egg-celent relationship, will see her in the henhouse

 

Grant
27
Danville, CA
Electrician

Respects her for what she went through but wants to forget about all that so they can let loose + have a good time.

 

Garrett
29
Reno, NV
Medical Sales Rep

Imitates Wisconsin accent, fishes, “hope she’s as good of a catch as I am.” Minivan, hopes to be a great dad. Soccer ball, baby bag, car seat. “Oh my God, that was good.”

 

Jake
29
Minneapolis, MN
Marketing Consultant

Says he looks familiar… they’re both from Minneapolis. Acquaintance. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”–Becca

 

Jason
29
Buffalo, NY
Sr. Corporate Banker

Teaches her his handshake.

 

Jean Blanc
31
Pensecola, FL
Colognoisseur (Is this real life? According to his ABC bio he also works in finance.)

From Haiti. “She needs a man that smells good + I’m going to blow her nose away.” Teaches her “Let’s do the damn thing!” in French. “Wow he smelled so good.”

 

 

Joe
31
Chicago, IL
Grocery Store Owner

Doesn’t know women as well as tomatoes. Forgets everything he was gonna say… literally says nothing.

 

 

John
28
San Francisco, CA
Software Engineer

Hopes love can happen overnight because it happened for his grandparents. Almost gets lost going into the house.

 

Jordan
26
Crystal River, FL
Male Model

Gym, tan + laundry salt spray year round. “Fun shoes.” Very annoying about everyone’s fashion choices, which is saying something because I’m a fashion blogger.

 

 

Kamil
30
Monroe, NY
Social Media Participant (UH WHAT?! You have a successful career in real estate per your ABC bio. Why did production list you that way?!)

Meet him halfway, then asks her to do 60/40. Nuh uh buddy.

 

Leo
31
Studio City, CA
Stuntman

Messy man bun that resembles my hair on a Monday, wants to let his hair down.

 

Lincoln
26
Los Angeles, CA
Account Sales Executive

From Nigeria, such a cute accent, rooftop workout. Eat cake because it was his birthday when they met on ATFR.

 

Mike
27
Cincinnati, OH
Sports Analyst

Cardboard cutout because Arie should she her as happy as she is tonight.

 

Nick
27
Orlando, FL
Attorney

Not a racecar driver, usually good at opening statements but not tonight.

 

Rickey
27
San Diego, CA
IT Consultant

“All the adjectives.”

 

Ryan
26
Manhattan Beach, CA
Banjoist

“Where’s the banjo?” Purple + gold printed velvet jacket.

 

Trent
28
Naples, FL
Realtor

Shows up in a hearse. “When I heard you were the Bachelorette, I LITERALLY died. But then you brought me back to life.”

 

Wills
29
Los Angeles, CA
Graphic Designer

Closet nerd.

 

Just to give you another picture of these guys. we have:

• 10 from California
• 7 from Florida
• 3 from Colorado
• 2 from Illinois
• 2 from New York
• 1 from Georgia
• 1 from Ohio
• 1 from Nevada
• 1 from Minnesota

 

We cut between different conversations between the men just speaking so kindly about her. This is the dream “I wonder what people say about me when I’m not around” scenario. Chris reminds Becca that he’ll be dropping off the first impression rose later in the evening + she shares she’s hopeful that her future husband is in the mansion. She glides into the room to be handed a glass of champagne + tells the men she’s so hopeful that her person, her husband + teammate in life is in the room. The first guy to steal her is Connor, who barely even gave her time to finish her toast. Jordan thinks he’s dropped his playbook + calls him a Smooth Criminal. Connor pops a cork out of a bottle of wine with a knife. I’m trying to figure out how his hair is so high. I could tease my hair for DAYS + it still wouldn’t be that high. Clay pulls her next + she remembers his name. That’s key. He set up some clay for them to play with. Okay, I see what you did there. He tells her he lives in a small town in Illinois with 3,000 people + no stoplights. Bruh, you have to go about an hour out of Chicago AT LEAST to find a town like that so please explain to me why you say you’re from Chicago? I had no clue where Hoxie, Arkansas was until we met Raven. Be honest, people. If you don’t live close, you can’t say you’re from somewhere. He might work there, because how else would he have shown up in my Bumble stack. Hmm. Their clay figures are pretty terrible but thats for the best because I hate when clay colors get mixed up + you can’t separate them again. John tells her he created the Venmo app. Chris tells her that his grandparents were married after knowing each other for two moths + they’re still married 58 years later. He wants to assure her that strong commitments do exist. Hmm someone want to show me that? He totally believes in the process which is great. Christon, our former Harlem Globetrotters player, gives her own private Globetrotters game + straight up DUNKS OVER HER. Yeah, I have way too many trust issues for this. Suddenly there are so many balls, Becca’s having a ball + everyone’s showing up their basketball skills.

We get a dance lesson from maybe Wills or Rickey, I couldn’t tell. Jean Blanc wrote her a poem that was engraved on a candle lid. Now we’re talking to Joe, grocery store owner from Chicago. He used to wholesale watermelons so that’s how he got into the grocery business. Not sure I’m excited about him. But oohh Blake is here! She wants to know everything about him. He’s from Denver + is still a mountain boy at heart. I can get behind that. She asks how he came to this journey. He tells her he was in a relationship that ended very abruptly + that taught him what he really wanted. This sounds familiar… (I’m talking about me, guys! But also Becca.) They really seem to be a good match + he is making a great impression. Chris drops off the first impression rose so everyone has to talk about it. Lincoln gives her a bracelet form Nigeria + Nick a personal massager. It’s starting to get weird now. Maybe pull back a little bit…

David (chicken costume) dances with her + finally removes the head piece of his costume so Becca can see his cute face. In her voiceover, she says she’s always loved chicken nuggets. David says he’s a very, live in the moment guy + that he’s “a lucky bird + she’s a cool chick.” Can you hear me rolling my eyes at these lame, producer-fed lines? Jordan, who’s been very ignorant all night about everyone else, hasn’t made a move to talk to her. Will he? Or will he be sent home night one + pretend not to cry in the limo? But now Garrett has Becca for some one on one time + they are fishing in the pool. Smooth move, bro. Getting your arms around her. He gives her a fly for fly fishing. Her family would really like him + this is really obvious she thinks he could be a good fit for her.

But now it’s potential villain discovery time! Chris pulls Blake + Christon aside to tell them there’s someone here without pure intentions! He knows Chase + Chase’s ex. Chase’s ex texted Chris the night of ATFR telling Chris that Chase was only here to revamp his company + Chris wants to know if he should say something. Blake + Christon encourage him to say something based on what Becca’s been through. So in a very adult move, Chris grabs Chase to get a sense of where he’s coming from, rather than just running to Becca to tattle. Props, dude! Chase says that’s weird because he wasn’t with Danielle long but he’s genuinely here for Becca. He also says in his voice over that he’s been watching this show with his mom since he was 20. Who cares, dude? I’ve been watching with my mom since season one of the Bachelor with Alex Michel. We’re the same age + I have you beat. Have a seat. Bye. But Chase grabs Becca next + wants to get ahead of the situation so he tells on himself. But Chris didn’t tell him what the text said so he doesn’t have much to go off. He dips out to grab Chris so the three of them can talk, in an unofficial two on one. Chris doesn’t tell Becca too many specifics, just that Danielle had some unsavory words to say about Chase + his intentions + also called him an a-hole. Becca thanks Chris for sharing + he leaves so Chase can have the rest of his time with her.

Becca has realized that not everyone might be here for the right reasons + someone else raised a red flag for her so she needs to address that + pulls Jake, her acquaintance from back home to talk. Apparently they run in the same circles but he’s never shown any interest before. So why now? She says they’ve met many times but he only has one memory of meeting her. She would be questioning intentions because there was no move made by either of them prior to this night. She’s sending him home! OMG. But he has things to say. He says he cannot be judged by who he’s been. But she doesn’t want to waste his time. Bye, Jake, not from State Farm… He’s not happy + I already know he’s gonna be mad when Men Tell All comes around. Becca lets the rest of her guys know the context of Jake being sent home. Honestly, can we cut to the rose ceremony now? I need to know who I can emotionally invest in this season + who I can forget about until MTA.

But sadly it’s not quite time. We talk to a boring guy and then to a dude who has an incorrect Harry Potter tattoo + I’m sitting here trying to collect myself because I’m stressing about having something so incorrect + permanent on one’s body. I mean, to be honest, Becca may have just said it incorrectly but looking at this close up, I can’t quite tell either way. Get it together, Chell. There’s still 23 minutes left. *Sigh* Okay moving on… Now we’re talking to Colton + I’m such a fan of what he’s doing with is CF foundation.

Tonight’s first impression rose goes to Garrett, minivan guy. Her time with him has made her feel so helpful about her whole journey. She’s smitten. Is this the guy? Welp. They’re kissing. No one else seems to have tried to kiss her so he could be the one. So it’s finally time to pass out the roses to these guys that I’m so unsure about yet. The sun’s coming up so it’s finally time to hand out some roses. Becca hands out roses to: Lincoln, Blake, Ricky, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike + Chris. We’re saying peace out to Chase, Joe, Darius, Kamil, Christian, Grant +, of course, Jake. Kamil is our first crier of the season, but as Iggy told us on twitter last season, you say goodbye to your job, set all your bills to autopay + then you’re back in less than a week. It is what it is.

Looks like we have an interesting season ahead of us. My money is on Garret, but I think Blake is one to watch out for. Mom’s rooting for Garret, as well.  I think Jordan is a front runner for villain, or just general sh*t starter. Also if this post gets to Joe from Chicago, I’m single, also from Chicago + we’re both cute. Hit me up! Until next week…

xo.