The Bachelor | Why Isn’t This Over Yet?

[SPOILERS] I’ve said it before + I’ll say it again. I’ve never been so bored by a season of this franchise. But obviously I’m still watching. So is my best friend Kyra. We’ve consumed a ridiculous amount of wine to help us cope with the nonsense, cattiness + boredom that is Arie’s season of the Bachelor. There would also be a photo of me, but I’ve taken up residence on my couch with food poisoning so I’m taking on tonight’s episode unaided. To make matters worse, all the drama that’s ensued since filming wrapped back in November has given ABC license to take tonight’s three hour finale including the final rose + extend it to two nights + a total of five hours. Can I please have The Bachelorette now? I mean at this point I’ve heard rumblings of who it might be + at this point it honestly doesn’t matter. I just need to move on from this waking nightmare of a season. I’m honestly not looking forward to this live, in studio finale. We’re gonna watch real time emotions of both Becca + Lauren but I don’t know if I can handle this. Chris Harrison, why are you doing this to me?!

When we left this awkward love triangle, they’d just said goodbye to Kendal leaving Becca + Lauren to have one final date with Arie + meet his parents. I wonder if his parents expected to see Krystal again since he brought her home ON THE FIRST DATE. But we’ll see. First Chris welcomes us to the in-studio finale complete with chair for him + couch for interviewees. Let’s get this show on the road. Chris tells us that he’s about to out do both Jason Mesnik + Juan Pablo as the most controversial Bachelor in history even though everything he did was done in love. The climactic ending will be shown unedited so we’ll finally get some full-blown honesty without production inserting themselves + making things look one way when they were actually another. Arie checks into his room at the Marriott in Cusco, Peru + in a voiceover monologue, rehashes his relationship with each. He loves them both. Blah blah blah. He knows exactly what he’s getting with Becca which is safe + comfortable. Blah blah blah. Lauren is more of a risk because she’s so reserved but he knows she loves him. Blah blah blah.

Arie meets his extended family in the cutest courtyard + he’s ready to unpack his situation. His father thinks it’s crazy that he loves both of them + I agree. How the heck can you love two people like that? Like yes, okay. He loves them for different reasons. But if they’re each giving him different things that he wants, how can he love them both fully. Arie, can I please study your mind? Like every other male, I don’t get you. I can’t even let go of the person I was last in a situationship with because I made the mistake of falling in love with a man who’d never chose me. I can’t move on to my next chapter until I let go, but letting go is hard. I can’t even have a legitimate crush so how the heck could I love someone else? I can’t. So honestly I just can’t get behind Arie. We all know by now Arie breaks both women’s hearts + how do you do that to someone you supposedly love? I guess I just know I’d move mountains for the person I love. I’m learning I can’t expect everyone’s heart to be like mine. Enough about me, though I’m sure I’ll come up again. Lauren’s here with stargazer lilies (my third favorite flower) + some sort of gift ready to meet Arie’s family. I’ve been sitting here paused on this shot for 12 minutes so let’s get a move on.

Lauren’s being interviewed by whomever Arie’s brought to meet her. Who are these people? I only know her parents. She’s asked what date stands out the most + in her vanilla ways she says they all stand out. Are you serious?! He freaking saved a touristy Paris date for you. If a man did that for me, I’d freaking remember! Arie hopes Lauren can relax + be herself so his family can really see who she is. After Lauren gives the strangest toast, she + Arie Sr. go off to talk. Arie Sr. asks if she has any doubts or questions. She shares she’s afraid her last relationship will repeat itself but he’s always there to reassure her. Arie tells who I assume is his brother + sister-in-law that he spends a lot of time reassuring her + wonders if that’s the best foot to start the rest of his life on. Whomever this woman is reminds Arie that he could have real conversation with his ex so does he have the same with Lauren. He “likes” that question. He said it’s hard with her. Arie’s mom asks if Lauren’s in it for real. She tells her that she loves him + is very afraid to lose him. Lauren pulls a Chellie + cries. I feel that. Lauren was able to feel comfortable around his family which was important. The family said they saw their chemistry + I’m over here like “WHY WON’T ABC SHOW ME?!”

While the family thinks Lauren is a good choice, it’s Becca’s turn. She arrives with lilies as well (must be Arie’s mom’s favorite flower) + a picnic basket. Becca’s heart is sure of Arie but she’s still nervous. Becca shares that on her first date there were immediately feelings + when they were on their one-on-one in Tuscany, her feelings just grew. It’s time for a chat with mom. Mom wants to know if she’s ready + Becca is ready to build a future together. She said “when you know, you know.” She’s totally won over mom. But now we’re talking to dad. Becca speaks very kindly about Lauren when asked which is really respectable. Dad tells Becca he’s fine with either one of them which isn’t fun to hear. I’m sure it was meant to be a compliment but it wasn’t. Becca says “it’s like comparing an apple to a starfish” because they truly are so different. She doesn’t want to be compared to Lauren + I definitely get that. Everyone wants to remind her they met Lauren yesterday. Production, did you ask them to ask that? She can’t even let it sink in how great this weekend was supposed to be because they won’t stop talking about Lauren. Arie kisses her goodbye + tells her he loves her “very much” but she can’t wait to get out of there.

He asks his family what they think. Mom says they’re both adorable. His sister-in-law tells him theres one that’s a better fit for him + his lifestyle but no one knows that decision better than him. He reminds them that Lauren’s very shy but sometimes she can come out of her shell (When?). He + Becca never run out of things to talk about + she’s a force. He thinks it makes more sense with Becca but there’s undeniable love with Becca. His whole family thinks Becca is a better fit for him because he sometimes “needs a kick in the ass.” (Arie Sr.’s words) Unfortunately he sees a future with both of them so he definitely needs to be sure.

Back in the studio, Caroline is in the hot seat. She can’t stand to watch him toy with both women. She cares about them both, not just Becca as they are best friends. So her opinion of him hasn’t changed since women tell all. Chris asks if she thinks he really fell in love with the both of them. She doesn’t think he know s what he wants. We’ll find out soon if he knows what he wants.

Arie meets Lauren for their last date + he knows it’s going to be a tough date. Well shoot. They board a private PeruRail train to Machu Picchu. They reminice about their time together + I’m yawning. If I weren’t on my couch with food poisoning, I’d be drinking all the wine right now. They walk in the rain to see the ancient city + say every obvious reaction to a wonder of the world: “wow,” “this is amazing,” etc. Lauren sees a future with Arie since they were able to meet his family. They look back over the valley + Lauren’s picked up Arie’s “I love that.” Arie really thought it was going to be Becca but now his feelings for Lauren are unexplainable. He knows she has a speckle in her left eye + so many other things about her + doesn’t know how he’d say goodbye to that. Suddenly I seem like a much more decisive individual. Arie thinks he talks himself out of a future with Lauren. He was sure of his decision this morning but not now. They cuddle on the couch + she shares how much she loves him + why. She loves the way he’s held her hand while she finds her confidence in falling in love. She’s ready to spend her life with him. Arie “so wants” them to work. He says it’s crazy how fast he’s fallen in love with her. He asks her to tell him what their life will look like together. She sees morning coffee, taking their dogs for a walk, going to work, making dinner, wine. On the weekend they’d do “normal couple stuff.” Interesting how it’s day to day. This is what Arie said to his parents about their life together. He thinks that he can be convinced to play golf if can drive the golf cart. She doesn’t think he’d let her share all of that if he knew he was picking Becca. So were you sure he was unsure? Or were you sure he was sure about you. At the 11th hour, she’s here, committed + ready messing with Arie’s mind.

Seinne + Bekah M are on the couch  in the studio + Seinne’s lost her voice. Seinne hopes Arie’s at peace with his decision because she saw how disappointed he was when his family didn’t pick Lauren. Bekah believes he’s falling in love with both women + that it is possible but if he is this conflicted this late, it isn’t fair for him to propose + it’s actually wrong for him to do.

Arie walks through the pouring rain to meet Becca where he’s really hoping for some serious clarity. They find themselves jumping in puddles, wandering a local market, making friends with alpacas. He’s always been confident about Becca but wants to measure his relationship with Lauren with his relationship with Becca. He asks how she’s been this week. She says there’s so many emotions this week. She never wants to say goodbye. He’s nervous + feeling the pressure about proposal.  He tells her she always makes him feel confident because she is. He’s always hones + she loves that. Back at Becca’s hotel room, she’s feeling uncertain because she doesn’t know how much he loves Lauren vs. her. Will he choose an equal partnership with Becca? We don’t know. She says she’s been in her head so much this week like Paris + the shit’s scared out of her. She can’t imagine not being with him. She asks if he has any hesitation + he says he does. He doesn’t know what their issue is. He doesn’t have questions for her. He loves that they can talk all night. He hates that it’s hard on her + she hates that it’s hard on him because they’re “in this together.” She reads a letter she wrote him in her journal. I’m ready to bawl because I wrote a similar letter to my ex on our first date two years ago. I get those feelings. She also made him a scrapbook of photos + memories of all their dates. He walks home + has no idea what he’s going to do. He doesn’t know if that pull is enough for him to be with Lauren but knows Becca is the best choice.

In the studio, Ben + Jason are talking to Chris about their Bachelor blunders. My dear Ben told both Lauren + Jojo he loved them on his season. He says that whomever Arie chooses is probably going to have a hard time with that so he needs to own the fact that he said he loves both of them + deal with the consequences. Jason can see how much pain Arie is in. It’s impossible to get to this point + his advice is that Arie has to be Arie. He’s got to choose the one who is going to be the best for him. But soon Arie will propose + then we’ll get the raw, unedited footage of him ending things with his “winner” + pleading his case to his “runner up.”

It’s proposal day in Peru. Is Arie ready? In a word from Dr. Chellie, no. Arie knows that it’s his fault both women are confident + one will be blindsided by their breakup. Becca spends the morning writing in her journal before getting ready to see Arie one last time. She would “100% say ‘yes.'” if Arie gets down on one knee. Lauren is scared but there are no words for how much love she has for him + hopes she’s the one. There’s the usual “laying the dress on the bed” shots + looking pensive while all done up waiting to meet Arie one last time.

Neil Lane pops over to Arie’s hotel to show him rings. He says no to a cushion cut but yes to an oval with a halo. I could get behind an oval. But this proposal isn’t for me. How to you agree to marry a man who’s telling another woman at the same time he’s telling you he loves them. I could not. Arie says that the woman he’s sending home won’t see it coming. Well shoot. I almost said something else but changed it. I’m not texting. Arie’s in his navy suit, the final rose is on the table, the first suburban is pulling up.

Lauren gets out first + we all know what that means. She’s not the one…for now. She’s so sure + confident because of who she is with him. The ugliest brown river is flowing behind him. Couldn’t they have set him up at another angle? Also did they check the grounds for alpaca poop? Lauren confesses her love for him + he keeps closing his eyes because he’s trying not to cry. I really want to know why they let the “runner up” go on for so long. It hurts to watch. Arie says he wanted it so bad for them but he can’t go through with this. He says he gave it everything he had + she doesn’t know what to say. She’s extremely confused + even though she wasn’t my choice, this is killing me. She wishes him the best + doesn’t really have anything else to say. He walk her out + to be honest, I wouldn’t have wanted that. Don’t touch me. Go away. She asked why he did that. He says he didn’t know until this morning + He’s sorry he put her through this. He hugs her and says he loves her. That’s not closure. Storm away like you’re Rachel Berry. I would have. This is so freaking hard to watch. I hate you, ABC. Arie feels like a monster + low key he kind of is. I’m sorry but like what he’s doing is terrible. My heart is broken + I’m not there. Lauren feels betrayed. I don’t get it either, girl. “How do you get down on one knee if you weren’t sure until three hours ago?” I don’t get it either. She knows he made a mistake which is also hard to watch.

Aire’s suddenly not heartbroken anymore as he looks at his ring smiling. He can’t wait for Becca to get out of the limo. I wish I could be excited about this since she is the one I chose at the beginning. But I know what’s to come. I know he’s going to hurt her the way he hurt Lauren. She confesses her love for him + he confesses his for her. One of the most important things he says is that he loves that they’re a team. He get’s down on one knee + pops the question. She accepts + they kiss in the wind. Why this joyful swell of music as he offers her his final rose? It does not fit, ABC! They break up in two + a half months. He asks when they can start having babies. Her response? “Tonight?”

But their story isn’t over. There are so many cute videos from their weekends together until today when they could go public. But he’s still wondering what these weekends would be like with Lauren. Becca knows Arie misses Lauren, too. The feelings from his breakup with Lauren didn’t go away. He feels guilty for choosing Becca + she doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who’s halfway there. Darn skippy. He wants to risk it all for Lauren. Well fine then. It seems fitting that it looks like he’s walking all the way from Scottsdale to Minneapolis in the rain to break up with her. If you feel like you make a mistake, you should be punished. So he’s going to call off his engagement. Arie tells Chris he’s had a change of heart + that isn’t going to make him popular but he loves Lauren.

It’s breakup weekend + Becca arrives first. the poor thing has no idea she’s about to have her heart broken. The live audience is booing + so am I.I can’t deal. She’s so freaking happy + ready to go public with their relationship. I can’t watch. Why did no one tip her off that this wasn’t going to go well? They check out her new tattoo. Then he tells her she knows he’s been struggling + though being with Becca is everything he wanted but he still thinks about Lauren. He wants to reconcile with Lauren. He wants to see if there’s a possibility of getting back with Lauren + Becca responds “are you f*cking kidding me?” She asked if this came from his phone call with Lauren + he said that he felt all those feelings. He wasn’t honest with her when they left Peru about how conflicted he was + now he can’t continue to be engaged to Becca when he feels this way. He wants to take the risk + see if there’s more there. She says he told her he didn’t know why he fell in love with Lauren + that he couldn’t see a future with her. Did he lie? Becca calls him out + tells him he wasn’t ready to be engaged. Becca asked what she did wrong + I feel that so much. At some point she took off her engagement ring. I wish I’d caught the moment. She flat out tells him he shouldn’t have gotten down on one knee. She says she hopes he finds what he wants because it’s clearly not her. Gosh I feel that, too. That’s my last breakup in a freaking nutshell. She says she’s done + walks off down the hall to pack up to leave. She doesn’t want to see him or hug him goodbye. He says there’s more to say but she says that isn’t going to change anything + that it’s a sh*t move on his part. She tells him she wants him to go + won’t look at him. I don’t blame her. I hate him so much right now. With that, Arie’s out the door. We can hear Becca crying + it hurt’s me to my core. It may as well be one of my girlfriends who just got hurt. Arie walks back in to see if she’s okay + she tells him to leave. But he’s still not leaving. Come on, Arie. She told you twice. Arie wants to keep talking but as Becca said “I don’t think you have anything to say. I’m not the one for you.” We’ve cut back to this three times after commercials + she’s embarrassed. Leave her alone. To be honest, I can’t even write about this anymore. It’s too draining. If I can find a video of this, I’ll embed it here at a later date.

Becca’s in studio + the audience is going nuts for her. It’s brutal for her to watch because she really was in love with him. She hasn’t heard from Arie since he left. She’s angry, frustrated + confused. She cried for four days straight + had to grieve for the future she thought she was going to have. Chris asks if she’d want to see him again + if she knew what she wanted to say. She has a ton of questions but it’s 10:00 so they’ll have to wait for tomorrow. I feel like I could sleep for three years after this. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. But I’ll he here. Until then, if someone could please bring me some puppies to help me emotionally? Please + thank you.

xo.