The Bachelor | Hurricane Krystal
[SPOILERS] Ladies + gentlemen we’re back for week five of not the most dramatic season ever. For not a very dramatic season, I’m quite engrossed. Arie’s not my favorite Bachelor by a long shot, but here I am. Let’s recap! Who’s left? Is your pick still here?
Name Age Hometown Occupation Notes
Chelsea 29 Portland, ME Real Estate Exec Arie refers to her as interesting.
Caroline 26 Ft. Lauderdale Realtor Hopes they’ll be “off the market”
Maquel 23 Orem, UT Photographer Showed up in the race car
Nysha 30 Anderson, SC Nurse
Tia 26 Weiner, AR Physical Therapist Gives Arie a small wiener/Raven’s friend
Kendall 26 Los Angeles Creative Director Arie whispers that she’s “so nervous” as she walked into the house.
Bekah n/a Los Angeles Nanny ’65 Mustang
Marik 27 Salt Lake City Restaurant Owner
Krystal 29 San Diego Online Fitness Coach Does centering exercise with Arie for her entrance
Sienne 27 Newport Beach Commercial Real Estate Elephant cufflinks
Bibiana 30 Miami Beach Executive Assistant
Bri 25 Portland, OR Sports Reporter Softball
Jenny 25 Chicago Graphic Designer
Brittane 27 Los Angeles Marketing Manager “Nice Butt” bumper sticker
Jacqueline 26 New York Research Coordinator
Valerie 25 Nashville Server
Jenna 28 Raleigh Social Media Manager Wants someone to take over the world with
Jessica 26 Santa Monica TV host Gives Arie gratitude rock/father met Arie before he died
Olivia 23 Chicago Marketing Associate
Becca K. 27 Minneapolis Publicist Has Arie get down on one knee
Lauren S. 31 Dallas Social Media Manager x
Lauren J. 33 New Roads, LA Recent Master’s Grad Gives Arie Mardi Gras beads
Lauren B. 25 Dallas Tech Salesperson
Lauren G. 26 Los Angeles Executive Recruiter
Ashley 25 West Palm Beach Real Estate Agent Checkered flag
Brittany T. 30 Austin Tech Recruiter Tried to speak Dutch/car race/first kiss
Amber 29 Denver Business Owner “I’ve seen a lot of d*cks in my line of work + hope you aren’t one.”
Ali 27 Dallas Personal Stylist Smell check/pit stop
Annaliese 32 San Francisco Event Designer Kissing bandit
We’re in Ft. Lauderdale which, according to Arie, is a beautiful place to fall in love. I wouldn’t know. I’ve only seen the airport. The ladies are staying at the W. They’re all wearing high-waisted cutoffs + riding bikes. I would have needed to be sent home before this because I don’t know how to ride a bike. Arie stops by + asks Chelsea, the woman we thought week one would be our villain, if she’d like to go on this week’s first one-on-one. They board a yacht named Paradise. She’s “on a dream boat but also with a dream boat.” Aaaand they’re Titanic-ing + jet skiing. Can someone please tell me why the women are spying on these dates? Probably because Krystal doesn’t share so they need to make sure they have some details. I get it. Also, in what shouldn’t be a surprise twist, Maquel comes back! Honestly I shouldn’t have been because Lacey got to come back to Paradise after her grandfather’s funeral, but I just assumed that was due to the shutdown. I’m glad she’s getting a fair shot.
Part two of Chelsea + Arie’s date is in a vintage car museum. They toast with red wine in stemless wine glasses which is a pet peeve of mine. You should not heat your wine! But I digress… Arie wants to know about Chelsea’s life. She shares her story with her ex, how they met when she was 20 + he was able to offer her a life she’d never had before. They were together seven years + separated when their son, Sammy, was six months old. She also shares that her ex is married to the woman he left her for + they just had their first son. She states that she has less than she’s ever had but she has everything. That’s such a beautiful place to be in after experiencing hurt + loss. The whole time she’s sharing this story, you can tell that Arie is engaged, rather than looking bored or checked out as he has on other one-on ones.
A knock on the door signifies that a date card has arrived. Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline + Lauren B will be participating in our next group date. The clue? “There’s not a moment to spare…” Which means my girl Tia will be getting a one-on-one. Her smile may explode off her face. Back on the one-on-one Arie shares that he’s glad to have Chelsea here, he appreciates what she’s giving up to be here + doesn’t want to waste her time. She gets the rose! They wander off to what I thought was going to be a vintage car to make out in the back of. I’m embarrassed that I thought that. Of course there was a live music performance in another room so they got to share more intimate time together without a crowd.
It’s group date time + the “spare” referred to on the date card alluded to a bowling date. This has the potential to be cute until Arie gets a little montage before the women arrive where Arie LICKS A BOWLING BALL. YUCK. OH MY GOD. I AM DEAD. Krystal shares that she doesn’t trust Arie after the last group date so he has to make the moves today. What because you didn’t get the group date rose? The girls divide into two teams: “The Spare Roses” + “The Pin Ups.” The winning team gets to go to the after party but the loosing team has to return to the hotel. The Spare Roses cleaned up! Bekah, Kendall, Marikh, Ashley + Lauren B. don’t win so they think they’re headed back to the hotel. Arie doesn’t want to take the time away from the other women so he tells them they don’t have to leave. Can you guess who’s unhappy? You guessed it, it’s Krystal. She’s tearing up. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. Sure, you don’t want to fight for him. BUT DON’T BE A CONTESTANT ON THE BACHELOR THEN! I don’t compete + I just don’t date. Can we fast forward to Tia’s date?
The ladies go home to change + Krystal is livid calling him a liar to a producer because he didn’t consult the winning team asking them if it was okay to invite the Pin Ups to the after party. She returns to the group wearing her robe when the rest of the ladies from the group date are dressed + ready She says she wants a partner that includes her in decisions. Okay, I TOTALLY get this BUT you aren’t partners yet, Krystal! He’s only known you “for a couple of weeks.” Plus he’s dating several other women that you live with. This is not a situation I could deal with, but that’s why I’m not in this situation. It’s a good thing I don’t look the part because emotionally I would not be able to deal. Kendall asks if she’s going to come with them + in her “Annie-making-fun-of-Helen-in-Bridesmaids” voice, she says she is not coming. Kendall asks if she’s given up or just trying to send Arie a message. Krystal reveals she’s completely packed. Chelsea is rolling her eyes into another dimension + I’m right there with her. Apparently we missed some serious drama on the bus back to the hotel. More Arie bashing + general unkindness. The ladies head upstairs to meet Arie so they can continue to talk about her (which who wouldn’t if someone you’re living with was throwing this elaborate of a hissy fit), but Bekah, makes a good point: Krystal wouldn’t have said a word if she’d been on the losing team.
Arie arrives + is made aware that Krystal didn’t come. When he asks where she is, Bekah let’s him know why she didn’t come. He knew she was pretty upset. The women share that she was calling him a liar + so many other kind things. He tells the women that he’d like to go talk to her, not to be disrespectful to them. But I appreciate this. The women know she wants attention. We’re all hoping she’s going to be going home in the next few minutes… He hugs her + she looks a little smug because she’s getting what she wants. Arie tells her what she’s telling him should have been shared downstairs. He tells her to stay upstairs + that he’ll see her in a few days. Small issues in the Bachelor world become bigger issues outside. Not exactly what I wanted but this means she won’t be getting the group date rose. So she’s not guaranteed to be on next week.
Arie returns to the group where Kendall gets time with him first. She shares what her relationships have been like in the past: burning brightly + very fast with nothing lasting longer than eight to 10 months + she’s never felt like she wanted to marry someone before. She’s someone who surprises Arie which is good because I have her in my final four. Bekah is next + they head outside to a windy patio + Bekah makes a joke that Hurricane Krystal is brewing. Arie is so afraid of falling for Bekah who asks if you can fall without fears? I don’t think so. That’s never happened to me. I’m glad she’s not wearing hoops today so Arie doesn’t have to put his fingers through her earrings when he kisses her. SO UNCOMFORTABLE. In Arie’s voiceover, he states that he just doesn’t think a 22 year old is ready for marriage. I know I sure wasn’t ready at 22. At 22, I was a senior in college who was an example of the idea that you get to pick two out of three: good grades, social life + enough sleep. Sleep went by the wayside. There was no way I had any time to plan a wedding then. I was already crazy. I refuse to be a bridezilla but I’d have to seriously lower my stress levels in order to ensure that. Wait, why am I talking about me? This is about the Bachelor. Refocus, Chell! Arie takes Becca to his room! She says she was his first date + plans to be his last. Damn, girl! I wish I could ever feel that confident in a relationship. Wait. WHY IS KRYSTAL DOING HER MAKEUP?! GIRL! ARIE TOLD YOU TO STAY IN! And there’s a preview for next week that she’s in. Arie I have zero faith in you!
It’s now okay that Arie changed his mind because she changed her mind + came to the after party. Lauren B wants to play 21 questions with Arie where we learn his favorite color is blue; he likes his eggs over easy with a side of wheat toast; he takes his coffee with cream + sugar; his biggest fear is choosing someone who isn’t right for him. And we’re out of questions so we’re making out. It’s time to hand out the rose. He gives it to Lauren for being vulnerable. He says he’ll “see you girls soon.” Don’t call them girls. They’re women. Such a pet peeve of mine.
It’s FINALLY time for Tia’s date at Everglades national park. I wish I could feel confident on a date in a red tank, light wash cut offs + white Chucks. They spot an aligator + a soft shell turtle with the longest neck I’ve ever seen on a turtle. They dock at a house on stilts. The house is owned by a man named Gerald who shares how he rebuilt his home after it burned down. They eat frog legs + Tia tells him about “goin’ froggin'”– where you drive to a ditch with a pitch fork + stab frogs. I do not get how that would be entertaining. Arie loves that she’ll call him out when she needs to. They love each other’s eyes + are making out on a roof. Tia has butterflies. GIRL WHAT IS THAT LIKE! I only know the feeling where you’re nervous you’re about to lose someone…then you do. WHAT IS THIS FEELING?! She’s almost ready to tell him how she feels.
It’s dinnertime + we are using stemless glasses again. *eye roll* Tia is a doctor of PT + Arie tells her she’s the boss. She guesses you can say that but her patients are old + they think she’s an old maid. Girl you are 26. Do not listen to that nonsense! Arie says there are lots of old people in Scottsdale, feeling her out to see if she’s willing to leave Arkansas, which she is. She then asks about his religious beliefs. He has a hard time believing in a higher power because he’s lost so many friends in his sport. Tia says she doesn’t judge people just because they don’t believe what she believes. She says she could be married to someone who believes differently as long as she can understand where they’re coming from. She typically goes for guys she thinks she can fix which sets the tone for what she thinks she can deserve. I FEEL THIS SO MUCH! But he makes her feel deserving + she’s getting emotional. She tells him she’s falling in love with him. I want to know how you can fall in love with someone so fast… but then again the last man I was with, I knew I loved him the day after our first date. Needless to say it didn’t turn out well so I am super leery about this. Tia got the rose + Arie’s so confident in what they have. They share a passionate kiss against a pillar + she’s “been waiting for him to push her against something.”
The women head to Bonnet House Gardens for the rose ceremony. Krystal says that she wasn’t hiding her room but investing in herself + growing from the struggle. During Kendall’s time with Arie, she pulls out a book of questions + asks him to pick a number between one + 100 + she’d ask him that question. He chooses #99 as that was his first race number. “If you were visiting a tribe that’s tradition was to eat someone that had passed away, would you try human meat?” Arie looks panicked + says nope. Kendall would totally try it. But I think the bigger problem here is if you pause the show as she’s reading from the book, that question is not next to #99. I call shenanigans.
Krystal tells the girls she’d be happy to talk to the women individually if they want about the situation the day before but she isn’t going to open herself to the group to be attacked. I can see that. That’s like when there’s an issue in your friend group + you find out in the group chat. No thanks. Kendall says she’d like to talk to Krystal. Kendall understands that Krystal was upset, but doesn’t appreciate that Krystal’s words hurt others. Kendall doesn’t think Krystal + Arie are right for each other. Tia comes over + wants Krystal to own what she did. Now Bekah wants to know why Krystal is still here. Bekah tells Krystal she’s justifying her actions without taking responsibility for her actions. Arie tells her she needs to think through her reactions because this pushed them back a few steps. Krystal says she grew up in a bowling alley + men would promise her mother things, not follow through + would leave her unable to be there for her + her brother. Bowling Alley Trauma. Arie was cold but she needed to wake up. But she throws fake glitter at us. Yep, I’m confused, too.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. There are seven roses to be handed out. There are roses for Bekah, Seinne, Kendall, Becca, Jacqueline, Jenna + Krystal. That means we’re saying goodbye to Marikh, Ashley + Maquel. Looks like we have to deal with Krystal in Europe. I am not happy about this. But the Bachelor needs ratings + drama for us to talk about for the next week. I know I will be talking about this. So until next week when the girls will predictably yell something in French….
xo.
