Bachelor in Paradise | Be a Man, Dean!

[SPOILERS] Starting this 37 minutes late so I won’t be live tweeting along with this. Sad days.

I hope Kristina goes on a date with another guy to teach Dean a lesson. He’s been so immature + has let us all down this season. The “ultimate (bleep) boy,” –Dominique. But we’ll see what the next two hours bring. Also, how do these ladies do their makeup in that poor lighting…?

All the guys are kinda telling Dean he was so far out of line. He’s a self-proclaimed moron and he’s right. Raven fires shots at Dean but he deflects + asks Jasmine what’s up. He has dropped the ball so badly it’s rolled down the beach to the ocean, got swept up in the undertow + it’s gone for good. Come on Deanie Baby. Stop talking to other people. Fix things with Kristina or tell her it’s over. Do not leave her hanging like this! As a woman who knows what it’s like to be kept hanging on, I know this is not fun. BE A MAN! If you don’t know how, the army in Mulan can tell you how. He finally goes to Kristina + wants to know why she won’t talk to him. He tells her it’s because she saw him chicken fighting with DLo, Adam + Raven. It doesn’t matter that she could see it. The fact that he did makes him a skeezeball. Ten hours after spending the night with Kristina he was all over DLo. It’s unfair to ask her to be patient while he’s all over DLo. He’s really showing his immaturity + Kristina deserves better. He’s doing a fantastic job of pushing her away. She needs to realize she’s better than he’s being + walk but I haven’t done that so I can’t judge her for not.

Jasmine isn’t romantically involved with anyone now that Matt’s gone so she’s going after Jonathan, resident tickler. They makeout in the pool. If they enjoy each other, let it happpen. But down the stairs comes Blake E, the guy who went home the same night as Lucas Wahboooom! on Rachel’s season. I know you remember the screaming match. I sure do. As do all the newcomers, he has a date card. Unlike all the other male entrants, the men are not bromancing out at his arrival. So he pulls Rachel’s exes to see what’s going on. His initial crushes are on DLo + Kristina. Raven thinks he’ll have a tough time finding love here. Honestly I don’t see anyone here that he should go out. DLo flat out tells him she’d probably say no if he asked her out. He says he wants to move on from the Wahboom! thing but keeps talking about it! He pulls Kristina aside for a second time… While I don’t think they’d be perfect, she deserves to take her mind off her current situation. But she doesn’t want to be picked sooo….

Kristina does say no + I’m bummed. Fred, the bad kid that Rachel used to be camp counselor for, comes down the stairs. Fred has a date card + they’ll be on a double date together if they can find girls to go with. Dominique tells him to go for what he wants. He picks her so Blake needs to pick a girl or this is gonna be awkward. Blake steals Christen who might actually say yes. My girl is such a hot commodity. She asks him to be upfront about Krisina. He tells her it wasn’t like pulling teeth trying to talk to her. “Okay. All right. Let’s do it!” Poor Jack Stone keeps getting bummed. So he needs to talk to production + set something up if he wants to secure her rose.

The girls “back home” are speculating that Jack must be a bad kisser so they’re offering to kiss him. He’s taken aback so they have drinks. Jasmine finds that he’s a great kisser. So DLo has to find out for herself. So Raven kisses him. I honestly don’t remember Christen ever saying he was bad…. Hmm. Cut to the double date. The four are on this weird boat doing donuts. Poor Christen is seasick, contacts are bothering her, eyelashes falling off + mascara running down her face. But we’re finally off the boat + on a zipline into the ocean. Blake is complaining about Christen + her contact issues because she’s his only hope. Not cool, bro.

At home, Jonathan + Diggy are working on backup plans because both of their girls are out on dates. Jack goes to Jasmine for advice. So then Chris Harrison shows up during the day to announce that there will be no new guys, there will be a date card coming + there will be a rose ceremony tonight. “Wow. There’s a bombshell.”–Daniel | Boy who you tellin’. The date card arrives addressed to Robby. “Enjoy the ride.” They’re off to a cute little carnival where Robby gets to show off his brute strength + breaks open a piñata. Also shoutout to Amanda’s adorable red off-the-shoulder romper. *heart eyes* Robby is telling her about how hard he’s falling for her. It’s really sweet. He seems to be open to the family she comes with even though he’s never dated someone with kids. That’s huge because when I heard before the show aired that they were together, I couldn’t help but be shocked. But he seem to have matured since JoJo’s season which I’m so happy for.

It’s cocktail party time! I keep forgetting that Ben Z is here! It’s so sad. He’s so attractive. So he’s leaving because he doesn’t want to take a rose away from another guy. But he doesn’t have a solid relationship so he’s going home to Zeus! Diggy pulls Dominique aside to play a cute question game he made. She tells him that his idea to put in some extra effort was on point. Now Christen is hearing the scallops story. She does not find it amusing + tells Raven + Wells that they’re so rude. And now Wells has scallops all over his fingers in his ITM + I’m so over it. Daniel is Dr. Seuss-ing scallops. I really don’t know who Christen is going to pick. Blake E brings her scallops. She tells him she likes assertive + confident so he kisses her. Jonathan cuts in. He says he doesn’t want to push her into anything but suggests himself. Now it’s Jack’s turn! She ask him why he wants his rose but we don’t hear his answer. It looks like she has the best kiss chemistry with Jack. I really hope he gave her a good answer.

Jasmine + Jonathan are fighting with a crab. Raven + Adam are trying to catch marshmallows (?) in their mouths. DLo wants to know if Dean would accept a rose from Kristina. She says she’d move on if he does. Dean tells DLo he wants to be with her + that he’s going to tell Kristina he wants to pursue DLo. Why does this feel like Ashley I/Jared/Caila? Kristina is holding onto too much hope. My heart hurts so much right now in anticipation for what this conversation is going to be. So he tells her he’s pursuing DLo. Kristina doesn’t get it because DLo just made out with Jack today. But Kristina’s been misled + Dean doesn’t want her to hate him. Too late, bro. I wonder if she’ll leave over this. I admire her for not crying because my eyelashes would be off by now. Raven is doing a great job of reminding Kristina that her frustration should be with Dean. Kristina isn’t hearing it. I hear her. I’ve been there.”Why are you fighting for someone who’s not fighting for you?” — Wells | Uh was he talking to me or Kristina? Kristina says “Karma’s a b*tch” + I really want to know what this is foreshadowing.

Roses:

Lacey + Daniel

Taylor + Derek

Amanda + Robby

Raven + Adam

Dominique + Diggy

Jasmine + Tickle Monster/Jonathan

Christen + Jack (Thank God!)

Kristina + No one. Kristina chose her damn self. You go girl! | Dean offers to walk her out. What is there possibly left to say (bleep)boy? Oh you hate yourself? Well you did throw away a fantastic thing. You should be sorry. Dean thinks DLo is gonna quit. But…

DLo + Dean–anyone else think she shouldn’t have done this because he went to walk Kristina out? No? Okay.

All in all, I’m happy with the way this episode turned out. The Twins + Jaimi will be coming to paradise tomorrow, surely with date cards so we’ll see what happens. I almost hate that anyone else comes in at this point because both of today’s newcomers went home. What will happen tomorrow? I imagine they’ll have the same rules that if Haley gets a rose, Emily will get to stay + vice versa. One of them is into Dean but I couldn’t tell which one in the preview. I wish no one would give him anymore attention for his behavior. He’s behaving like a child so let’s adopt the Ferber method. I’ve lost the ability to even with him so I have to stop talking about it because I’m way too invested. I’m putting Paradise to bed… until tomorrow.

xo.